Let Me Add Something...

Just for the record? I did NOTHING physical with this guy. We did not hold hands. We did not kiss. I did not see his wee-wee and manly hood should be manlihood,shouldn't it?

I have assumed the strict, big-sister role in his life.

And my best friend does not have batteries. I have two close friends with batteries but they are not my BEST friends.

Here's the Song

Since I'm being a cruel bitch by talking about the poor guy on my blog, why not share his talent? Ladies and gentleman, this is the song that *I* inspired.

The union of another woman and man
Touching for the very first time
The gentle texture of a hand
True love is always hard to find
And sometimes
My penis aint as hard as wood
And sometimes
You're disappointed in my manly hood
I cant take it
Please fake it
For me
The delicate nature of love
Will only make this relationship grow
And you were sent from heaven above
But some things dont always work down below
And I know
That the porno movies make you feel
Well they make you feel cheap
And sometimes you finish while Im fast asleep
I cant take it
Please fake it
For me
I try so hard to be a man
But its so damn hard to please
It doesnt help to know that
Your best friend runs on batteries
I cant take it
Please fake it
For me
Even though
My loves a little premature
When you call me Mr. Softy
I feel a little insecure
I cant take it
Please fake it
For me

Addendum

I forgot to mention why I DEFINITELY won't be dating the 23-year-old Joe.

Apparently he tried to call my cell phone this weekend. I don't have the password to check messages on it (It's my work phone) and I didn't recognize the number. I thought it might be him, but I didn't feel like hanging out so I didn't answer. The other times I just didn't have the phone WITH me.

Well, this morning, as SOON as I get on my work computer and my aol comes up he's like "OH MY GOD!!! ARE YOU OK IVE BEEN SO FREAKING WORRIED!!!"

Okayyy... so I explained about the voice mail and he was cool with that.

Then I look at my work email.

Now granted, he admitted in an email that this was weird but he was bored or whatever.

NINE emails.

Nine, people. I counted. I thought he was joking when he said "Um, I sent you like 9 emails, sorry, hahaha"

In one of them, he wrote me a song.

It's nice to inspire people, but um.... this makes me slightly uncomfortable.

He asked if I wanted to hang out with them or him tonight and I said I DID want to hang out again soon but tonight I had to finish cleaning and de-flea-ing my house, which is true. So he said I could drop by if I wanted to.

If I'm driving home to Durham, why would I turn around and come back 30 minutes to "drop by"?

It's very sweet. But.... a bit too much.

Monday De-Briefing

My blogger toolbar seems unusually empty this morning. Anyone else having that problem?

Ok, so the weekend. Friday night I went over to my new pal Kristy's house to have dinner with her, her husband and her friend Joe, who I had exchanged a few emails with. We all had a blast. I don't want to date Joe because I just don't feel that deeper connection, but he's a totally sweet and fun guy and they were too. We had dinner and drank a lot of wine and talked and it was awesome and I didn't get home till three in the morning, which I am way, way too old for.

Oh. On the way over, I stopped at Whole Foods to get a bottle of wine and there was a sexy clerk in there working, so I got in HIS line even though it was the customer service desk. He had a huge cast/ace bandage on his hand so I used that to start conversation. In the time it took to ring me up I found out he was from New York and had been with Whole Foods seven years and that NY Driver's Licenses were easier to read than NC ones. Yes, the adorable man carded me. I thanked him for making my night.

Saturday I slept in as long as possible, then met Janine for lunch at Chili's, then shopping and playing with her dogs. Then I went home and had a snack and waited to hear from my friend Chad (who is carpooling with me now, we both feel so environmentally considerate) to go to a party over by Duke University. We had decided it was probably going to blow and made plans to hit up a bar afterwards. Well, the party totally rocked. I made 3 new girlfriends and got their emails. And met a very cute nice law student named Nick, and I got his email too. It was so great to hang out with all these cool, nice, intelligent but not haughty people.

Sunday I skipped church (bad) and slept in, then just kind of did stuff around the house; laundry, straightening up, changing burned out lightbulbs with new ones. I also put up my $5 -on-clearance-Wal-Mart patio lights and they look smashing. I also wrapped lights around the swingset but haven't plugged them in to see. Then my mother called and we talked and she was so pleased I was making new friends and wanted to hear all about it.

All in all, it was a fun-as-hell weekend. Now if you'll excuse me, I have some emails to write, some documents to convert to PDF and a staff meeting to go to. And to make some raisin toast. Yum.

Adventure

Basically, I've decided to give myself a month of taking chances I normally wouldn't, accepting offers I normally wouldn't and not being so damn hard on myself socially.

As my cousin said, "You could have your own Sweet November, minus the cancer."

Have I said recently how much I adore her? She is one of my inspirations to loosen up a bit while at the same time maintaining my integrity. Or some of it.

Sooo, recently I decided I needed to change my attitude. I've been moody and reclusive and leave-me-alone for too long. While that is a part of who I am, it's not the whole part. And I got lonely. I found myself realizing that I stay away from people because I feel responsible for their happiness.. that I might let them down... and so on.

A lot of catalysts were involved, I won't bore you with them. Long story short, I brought out my outgoing, flirty self that was covered in too much dust and quickly cleaned her off. And now, we're having a lot of fun. We feel sexy and delicious and appealing and any man or woman (I want some girlfriends) who doesn't look twice is, frankly, a spindly and unworthy toad who is missing out on a good thing.

This is a much nicer and more rewarding way to think than "Of course he wouldn't talk to me. I'm overweight and there' s a pimple on my chin." (Yeah, I was pathetic)

The response is amazing and the best thing is, if a person - male or female - doesn't respond to my bubbliness, it doesn't sting at all. I'm doing it all for me, not them! I don't know what it is.. I just feel uninhibited, unafraid to try things and I don't second guess or hesitate or analyze it, I just do it. (Today's blog entry brought to you by Nike)

Screw Nike. I am a New Balance girl.

The week's neatest example: After work the other day I went to work out at Curves. I left with a new girlfriend and an offer for her to introduce me to her friend Joe, who also wanted to meet new people and have fun. Emboldened by that, I mesmerized a man at CVS Pharmacy even though I was sweaty and wearing dorky workout clothes. Then, I went to the mall where I found a Natural Remedies store, and was helped by the most adorable young blonde girl and we talked the whole time, and found out her grandmother lives on my road. I need to go back and see if she wants to hang sometime.

It really is all about the attitude.

And the big blue eyes. And boobs. And ass.

It turns out that Joe is 23 (I'm almost 28). While normally I would cringe, now I am amused by the prospect of a younger man being enraptured by me. His emails are so enthusiastic and he tells me about his tattoos and his favorite music and beer. This is a refreshing change from "My job is my life. Stop trying to take up room in my life!"

So tonight, I have a blind date/group hangout with Kristy and her husband and Joe. Tomorrow I'm meeting the lovely Janine to see her new German Shepherd and go shopping and have dinner, then I'm going with my friend Chad to a Halloween party thrown by someone neither of us have ever met.

I don't find myself wanting to cancel ANY of it.

I'll keep ya posted.

What the Fuck?

I am doing it. I am just going to buy a bustier to wear to work. Because while it seems that I am smart and capable enough of doing all the shitty grunt work, and handle everything, to most people who come in here I am just a pair of tits behind the desk. Might as well break 'em out and show 'em off, maybe I can dazzle these idiots into a silent stupor.

Correction. I'm a pair of tits with a notary stamp.

Awww! Although the nice man who just came in with the notary statements did give me a Reece's cup for each one.

I'm slightly appeased.

It just gets me that both men and women think I'm not smart enough, or that I don't know what the fuck's going on enough to answer their questions.

I'm giving this guy his answers but no, he wants to talk to a planner.

Fine. Wait till tomorrow to find out what's being built next to the daycare. See if I care.

I'm telling you. It's time to be blonder, and push up the chest and just sit and do my nails.

Mid-Week, Woop Woop

At least it's Wednesday. I'm in a better mood, too. I accomplished very little last night other than getting a few more flower bulbs in the ground before it actually freezes. I'm happy cold weather is here but mornings sure are hard. I've got to go out and get some gloves.. I hate that cold steering wheel.

Let's see... so I planted the flowers, then got kind of lit and just relaxed on the couch listening to Mazzy Star and watching the candles flicker. I had cheese toast and chocolate chip cookies for dinner. Is there anything better on a cold fall night than gooey, warm chocolate chip cookies from the oven?

Besides sharing said cookies with an equally gooey, warm man that is.

I'm hoping to host a bonfire party next weekend but hardly anyone has replied.. so they either hate me and I don't know about it or all the invites went into cyberspace.

Well, if anyone wants to come over next Saturday evening and drink beer and sit by the fire, just let me know... I know it's a long drive, but I'm so worth it!

Bad Mood Tuesday

I'm in a bad mood. And don't try to cheer me up. I feel like being ferocious and scowly, thank you very much. I realize that lately I hold myself back on blogging and why? Why do I still feel a need to present that pristine, sweet, happy front to everyone. Act like I'm good, tell fun perky stories. And why? This is my online diary. I should be able to write whatever the fuck I want to and if someone doesn't like it they don't have to come back and read more.

What is my problem? Why do I feel responsible for everyone? Why do I edit myself in order to protect others? Why do I have this need to act like I'm good at everything all the time?

The truth is, I suck at everything.

Well, that's not true. Actually I'm pretty kick-ass. But sometimes I really feel like I can't do anything right and I'm such a shitty person. Again, this is not an attempt for you to load compliments on me or reassure me or tell me the sun'll come out tomorrow. I know all that and recently I feel I have hit that mark where I do get up every morning and keep going and keep moving on, instead of coming to a screeching halt and falling apart like I used to.

I have so many good people in my life and I feel like I don't deserve them and I don't want to let them down. But the things I do sometimes that I perceive as "bad" or "how could you?" - are they really that bad? Does it mean I'm a horrible person?

In other news, poor Tigger had to go to the ER vet last night. He had bad skin from flea bites - I have to bomb the house, and treat the yard ASAP - and he had to.... this is cringeworthy.. but his anal duct glands were clogged, something that is not unusual in dogs apparently. They just have to reach in and massage it and it relieves the stuff. Said it should be done every six weeks. He was a champion when they did that.. I couldn't even watch and I'm all puckered up just thinking about it. But he felt better afterwards.

The hardest part was having to leave him at Ken's. I would rather have cut my heart out than do that, but I couldn't stay over - I didn't have any clothes for work today - and I had to go home and get his medicine and snacks and stuff anyway.

I fucking love that dog more than my own life. I'm glad he's going to be OK - he was feeling somewhat better this morning, apparently.

And so will I. I just feel like being a beeyotch right now is all. It's part of who I am - I've got to let her out to play now and then.

Positively Refreshed!

Had a nice long weekend with my daddy, even though we did have to come in to work for the Litter Sweep for a couple hours on Saturday. But we went out for a huge breakfast afterwards and then home for a nap, so it's all good. It was good to have some time off and I feel rested and refreshed.

I also feel pretty hot - I bought a pair of size 10 pants, the smallest size I've been in five years, and they fit. Comfortably. No camel toes.

I realize I have been frumpy for way too long. Now, I really am a jeans-and-tshirt kind of girl. But I like pretty clothes, too. Now that I'm getting smaller and firmer, I find myself wanting to wear miniskirts again, high heels, clingy sweaters, tighter jeans. It's a good feeling.

Anyway, so we did go shopping a couple of times and we did yard work (he wanted to drive the Deere so he cut the grass while I raked), took a bunch of trash to the dump, so on and so forth. Great times. Can't wait till I get to see him every single day, again. And my mother. She sent me a seriously sexy bedspread set. Dark purple and red, satiny - very hot. I can't wait to see what it looks like on my bed but I have to clean my room first. This type of bedding deserves a vacuumed floor and clothes put away.

Heh.. reminds me of the episode of Sex and the City where Miranda is trying to create new bedroom karma.

"Sort of like Field of Dreams?" asks Carrie.

"Exactly," says Miranda. "If you build it, he will come."

No Shoes, No Shirt, No Problems..

This is my very yummy five-month-old nephew Jackson with my hand on his tummy and together we'd like to wish you a happy Half-Nekkid Thursday!

I kind of hate to use the cute baby picture but it's all I have today. I was going to use the one that showed just his face, with my thumb in his mouth (kid sucks on everything) but this one showed more of him in all his half-nekkid glory so I went with it. Next week I'll try to make it all about me...

Enjoy your HNT!

Some Things That I Hate

1. Blue toilet water
2. People who threaten to knock their kids out of their seat in restaurants when they aren't even being bad. I mean, dude, now you bother me more than your chatty child.
3. Anything to do with filing
4. Copying
5. The fact that my job entails quite a bit of the last two items
6. Throwing up
7. Blatant rudeness
8. When radio stations play the same songs over and over
9. Crowds
10. People who think the world owes them everything because they had a hard time once in their life or their parents yelled at them *sniff*
11. Having cellulite and stretchmarks and not even having had a baby to earn them
12. Knowing that my dog will die one day
13. That when I have less than 10 minutes to go in my commute home I get struck with a sudden fear that the house burned down and my pets are dead
14. Car maintenance
15. My seborrhea dermatitis
16. Not being able to sleep
17. Not having an opportunity to sleep when I CAN sleep
18. Utter disregard for one's fellow human beings
19. Animal abuse
20. Manipulators
21. The fact that I no longer get to go home at 3:05, make some hot cocoa and watch Mr. Rogers and Sesame Street.

Well, I guess that's enough for today. Maybe later we'll talk abouts some things that I love.

Classy Dame, 'cept when I'm drunk.

Carole Lombard You scored 16% grit, 9% wit, 52% flair, and 33% class!

You're a little bit of a fruitcake, but you always act out in style. You have a good sense of humor, are game for almost anything, but you like to have nice things about you and are attracted to the high life. You're stylish and modern, but you've got a few rough edges that keep you from attaining true sophistication. Your leading men include William Powell, Fredric March, and Clark Gable. Watch out for small planes. Find out what kind of classic leading man you'd make by taking the Classic Leading Man Test.

So Far Behind

I need to get caught up in life. I'm a week behind in my BC pills (good thing there's no action going on); my house is filthy. All my pants except the ones I'm wearing, and my dirt-streaked jeans, are in the washing machine. The grass needs to be cut, and the car is filthy and I'm hairy in places I'm not supposed to be. There just hasn't been time recently to remain smooth, silky and lightly fragrant, dammit. Again, good thing there's no action but that could change, right? I need to get on the ball.

And my father is driving up on Thursday to come visit me... I've got to get the house clean, get the fridge cleaned out and some new food in, wash the sheets on the guest bed, etc....

So, since I have to work at my other job this evening and then be here for a little while on Saturday morning for the freaking Litter Sweep. I'm taking 1/2 of Thursday off and all day Friday. Thursday to clean and do yardwork and maybe get a nap... Friday to visit with Daddy.

I did have a nice evening last night. I used to have a black thumb but I'm trying to reverse that. I weeded some of the flower beds and planted a climbing rose bush, lavendar, and some daylilies in the front yard. I like to be out in the yard at twilight, smelling the cool air and feeling the dirt on my hands while I plant things that hopefully will one day be pretty. Makes me feel like an old-timey wise woman, piddling in her herb garden.

Also known as a witch.

I Called It!

I said all along that Brit and K-Fed would be selling their baby photos (since they seem to struggle with that whole, "hey, when you spend money its not there anymore and neither of us is working to replace it" thing). I just read this on MSN:

The New York Post says the down-market duo has made a deal for their offspring's big debut with non-false tabloid (and longtime Britney fave) People magazine, which allegedly beat out OK! for the baby exclusive.
The struggling OK!, which reportedly shelled out $3 million for Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher's fedora-crammed wedding pictures, is said to have unsuccessfully dangled about $2 million for the family photos.

People is mum on the report, but a rep for the Britster tells the paper, "If this is true, they will probably donate the money to charity." (And no, we don't think former backup dancer-turned-underemployed spendthrift and wanna-be rapper Kevin counts as a charitable organization.)

No word on when the photos will appear, but with Britney once again venturing out in public (she's reportedly been burning off her caffeinated calories with the help of a personal trainer and the Zone diet), it will likely be sooner rather than later in order to thwart the increasingly aggressive paparazzi from invading their privacy to land the lucrative money shot.

Currently taking bets on whether or not they donate the money to charity. I think they won't, or they'll just donate part.

Addendum

I guess I should probably add something to that last post. When I say being strong for your woman and trying to make her happy, that doesn't mean smothering her... a woman likes to know that she can have time to herself and her man will be perfectly OK with that. And it doesn't mean giving up your own hobbies or activities.. she likes you for who you are what you do and as long as you make time for her or maybe include her in those hobbies sometimes, well that is awesome.

Along with everything else in life, it seems the middle ground is too elusive. But I need to lighten up.

I realized last night I used to be a slut, and now I'm frigid. Again, middle ground. Got to find that middle ground.

I'm so freaking tired.

Maybe I Read Too Much...

..but remember when it was a sign of strength, of manliness, to take care of your woman and make sure that she was loved and happy? And also it took that same strength to lean onto her and let her help you thru bad times?

It's hard to find that balance but I believe it may still exist. I don't understand anything about love except that we're not meant to understand it.

Obviously, I've been listening to country music all day. I can't believe that's George Strait! I always thought he was good-looking but boy howdy...

How I Spent My Beautiful October Weekend

It's Mid-October, still warm but the leaves are changing. The sky is that perfect, famous "Carolina Blue". Football is in full swing. And how did I spend the weekend?

Working.

I came in to finish up our new filing system. This entails going into each folder and finding a year of approval; assigning a number to it in Microsoft Access (or, if it is recent enough, matching it to a project number in our database); typing up tab inserts, then relabeling and if necessary, replacing the folder with a new one, then finally putting it away. I know that doesn't sound too bad. But I spent 7 hours here on Saturday and am on my 3rd hour today which is Sunday.

I know, I know - if I wasn't blogging I'd get done more quickly!

Its just such a pain. This started as a group effort and then got dumped into MY lap and I knew MY review would go badly if it didn't get finished. I probably made a zillion mistakes but at this point I don't care. Each of the files will have a number and a place to live, and besides Confucius say "He who do not come in on the weekend has no right to bitch". Right? Right. Anyone who doesn't like the way its done can come in NEXT weekend and fix it themselves.

All was not lost.. Friday evening I got my hair cut, colored and highlighted and that made me feel better. The money should have gone to repairing the oil leaks in my car, or getting my chimney inspected. But I don't regret it. My inner bombshell wanted out to play and now she's happy. I had dinner with a friend last night after finishing here and got a nice buzz. And I've slept late both mornings which is my favorite weekend indulgence.

I'll have time to clean the house before my daddy arrives on Thursday evening, so I guess its all good. And I'm taking Friday off.

Got to go relabel these damn things and maybe tomorrow I can write about something interesting.

Redirected Addictiveness Part II

So apparently it IS possible to be addicted to something good. I've been consistent with my exercising and find myself wanting to eat right, and feeling not so good when I don't. I hope it continues... anyway, I had my weigh-in/measurement at Curves today. There wasn't much change, because I was sick for most of September and didn't exercise. I've been adding in cardio or workout classes here and there, and last night was the first official evening of fall yardwork, which I enjoy. Working in the yard burns LOTS of calories, from what I've read.

I dropped 3 points in body fat percentage; lost 2 inches off my waist and 2 off my boobs, which I was very pleased about.

Yeah, I know. I'm probably the only girl in the world to be happy about shrinking the twins. But they're heavy.

My hips keep INcreasing though. Is that my body's way of saying "Have some kids already"? By giving me childbirthing hips?

Check out my seriously hot cousin celebrating HNT.

Talk about incentive for working out and growing your hair long! She's tall and thin, too, and that tan glow is natural. If I didn't love her so much, I'd hate her.

Ahm Bayuck (I'm back, Southern-style)

So I got back Sunday night.. the trip was fine and fun with a couple of snafus but nothing too major. Mama and I witnessed part of this happening, Saturday night.

I took boatloads of pictures of the kids that I'll get developed this week and post. They are all natural hams, especially Kerrie and Jackson. They are quite dangerous - they're so sweet and fun and good they make you want to have kids, because you're convinced yours will be just as wonderful. Jackson, at five months, is baby perfection.

I'm pretty busy at work and really don't have much else to tell so, sorry if the blog is boring for a few days.

Heading Out!

Seeing as I've developed a rather strong urging to tell people to either bite me or fuck off recently, I'm taking a few days and heading to see the fam in Mississippi. Gonna see my adorable niece Jesslyn cheer at a football game; celebrate my other adorable niece's 12th birthday; and enjoy the 3 year old niece and the 5 month old nephew. Gonna get my mom to cut my hair, get some good BBQ, hang with my dad and have a good ol' time.

I doubt I'll be blogging but I look forward to catching up next week.... mwah!

God Love the UPS Guys

So I watched Legally Blonde again this weekend which is one of my favorite movies.

And the UPS guy just came in, and I'm signing the little electronic pad thingy.

And all I can think of is the Bend-n-Snap and I'm just biting my lip trying not to giggle.

I wonder what it's like to assume that position in the fleet of Men in Brown, knowing the reputation that precedes you. Because really they are just all adorable, no matter how they look. I don't know what it is.