Shooting Stars

Keep your eyes on the stars, and your feet on the ground. Teddy Roosevelt

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Location: North Carolina, United States

I'm a 28 year old Mississippi native living in North Carolina. Read all the entries to find out more!

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Owner of a Lonely Heart

This morning I had an email from my buddy Chip in response to yesterday's shocking announcement from Lance Bass:

After all the Friday nights we spent making out, Lance NEVER mentioned to me that he was gay. I am more than a little hurt.

He never fails to reach into me and yank out that good hard laugh that's waiting inside me to be brought out.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Whoda thunk it?

All right, show of hands.. who's actually surprised?


http://www.wral.com/entertainment/9577902/detail.html

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Special girl, special day

Happy Birthday, Moriah!

Quirks

I will do just about anything to procrastinate doing procurement card statements so here I am. For some reason lately I've been noticing - and appreciating - my own quirks and hey, what's a blog for if not to talk about yourself?

Some quirky things about me:

I like words better than numbers

I love to be on stage, but hate going to, say, a new church, for the first time. (Sarah, please check the comma placement in that sentence!)

I drive worse when someone is in the car with me.

I'm a thinker, not a do-er.

I like bland boring foods - oatmeal, shredded wheat, whole wheat bread.

I would give my dog one of my kidneys if he needed it (unfortunately I had to sell it to buy some gasoline).

I procrastinate.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Charter Member



*Some* people say I'm negative. They don't realize I'm really an exclusive member:

Important Decisions

It's a little after four, and one of my friends who works a few miles away said a little while ago that it was pouring down rain there. It isn't raining here, although it has gotten overcast and cloudy.

My windows are halfway down, because it's July in the South and we're in the seventh level of hell for humidity and heat. If it's going to rain, I need to put them up. But if I go put them up and it doesn't rain, then my car will be a lung-sucking heat oven when I get it at the end of the day. If I wait till it starts raining, I'll be busy doing something and not notice.

What's a girl to do???

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

After a while you learn to read the signs

I'm hungry, but food seems like too much effort to find or obtain.

I'm lonely, but I don't really want anyone around.

I want to get things done, yet have no focus or motivation.

I feel guilty for feeling all these things when I have so much to be thankful for.


Looks like it might be about time to increase the medications.

Monday, July 17, 2006

Withdrawals

I forgot to mention that I can't wear eye makeup for a week. Now, I'm not Tammy Faye or anything but I admit that I'm addicted to, at the very least, that accentuating line of black-brown eyeliner and a sweep of black mascara (even though I AM gifted with long thick lashes). I also usually use a bronzey brown shadow, perfect for simple summer makeup.

That, a tad of light foundation, and lipstick or lipgloss is all I wear. Lipstick, I have to have. I don't know why, but it's my must-have makeup item. So at least I have that.

I didn't realize how addicted I was to the eye makeup. It was totally worth it, but I'm still having the urge to go gently pull the corner of my eye out and swipe that line on. My sister said this requirement alone would keep her from getting it done.

This is my new addiction.

A Visionary, I am

How could I have been sad about losing contacts or glasses? How could I have thought that being nearly blind and putting tiny plastic films in my eyes every morning and prying them off every night DEFINED me?

I'll sum it up this way - Lasik is the best thing to happen to the human race since air-conditioning. The whole procedure was fascinating, thrilling, and the results would have moved me to tears if I'd been able to cry. I wish I had asked to her to remove my tear ducts so I'd quit crying when I get mad. I always think of these things too late.

I'm still adjusting to being able to SEE. I still think I have to take my contacts out every night. I can't get over the thrill of waking up and seeing the clock instead of taking a guess at the numbers based on their blurry shapes. My parents are actually sick of hearing me gush thank-yous to them for giving me this gift.

Here's what actually happened during the procedure and then post-recovery:

After they checked my eyes a final time, I was taken to a little waiting room and given a hair cap and some gauze over my ears so the drops wouldn't run into them. One of the techs went over with me how and when to use my drops and when to put the goggles on (and sunglasses). She came back in a little while and told me to go ahead and take the Valium. I went back into the room and met the surgeon and she did a quick exam, and then I got on the table and a tech put numbing drops in my eyes. That is when I started to get scared but I tried to relax and it seemed like I could feel the V taking effect a little bit. I tried to focus on breathing, and she kept reminding me to do that. They put tape over one eye and she began on the other one. I remember a suction cup type thingy that I guess held my eye open - and I felt like I could still blink, which was a relief. I was worried about not blinking. Then there was a metal ring thing that pulled my lower lid down and held that into place. I had to focus on a light above me, and for a few seconds (She told me it was coming) I actually went blind! Then the vision came back, albeit blurry, and I had to focus on these starburst types of lights, red and green. It felt like being in an alien experiment. The weird thing is I couldn't really feel anything but I could tell what she was doing - like when she pulled the flap back that she'd made, or put it back in the place. The laser smelled horrible - I was nauseous afterwards it smelled so bad. She swore it wasn't my flesh being seared, something about the laser having to oxidize. Then she did the other one.

Guess what I talked to her about during the process? Blogging. When she told me I was an excellent patient and easy to do surgery on, I told her I was trying to remember every detail so I could blog about it. The tech and I had to tell her what blogging was! So she got to learn something too. Next thing I knew the tech was counting down "4, 3, 2, 1" and we were done. The only thing that hurt was when she ripped the tape off my face that was holding the suction device on there. I asked her to do my brows while she was at it. Then they put some more drops in my eyes, the doctor looked at them through a machine and bid me on my way.

I walked into the waiting room wearing sunglasses and a huge grin and sat down. Everyone kind of looked at me so I told them about it and I think it eased people's nerves a bit. On the way home Mama kept telling me to keep my eyes closed but I couldn't because I was seeing! (through a gummy haze of drops, but still…) I really wanted to cry from happiness.

By the time I got home I was feeling the Valium, but it wasn't enough to get me to sleep because the burning and grittiness had started. At this point I couldn't stand to keep my eyes open any longer. I decided that the smells and sounds had all been for show, and really all that woman had done was drop Clorox in my eyes. I took two Xanax to help out the Valium a bit, slid on my goggles and went to sleep.

Two hours later I woke up, and it hurt to open my eyes but the more I did, the easier it was and I could see! I walked around the house looking at everything. Then they started to hurt again, so I put my first dose of drops in - one anti-inflammatory and one antibiotic - popped the second valium and had a wonderful night's sleep. The left eye felt perfect - the right one had a bit of irritation in it, like an eyelash or a piece of dirt. I was told to expect that. I had my post-op exam that morning and everything was fine - there was a bit more residual swelling in that right eye than the left but the doctor said it should subside by Sunday and it did, and to use my rewetting drops more often than they initially told me. He wouldn't give me any more Valium.

I still can't believe I don't have my contacts in. I keep thinking at bedtime I have to go take them out! I keep thinking I have them in - it really hasn't sunk in yet, how FREE I am now!

If you are thinking of having it done, run, don't walk, to a good center and get it done. Do it on a Friday afternoon like I did and you'll be fine for work on Monday.

Thank you so much for all your sweet comments and well-wishes!

Friday, July 14, 2006

The End of an Era

Today is the day that I (hopefully) say goodbye to contacts and glasses. I've been so excited about it, and I still am. I'm not one bit nervous. But here's the weird thing: I'm a little bit sad.

I don't know if this will make any sense or not. I've always kind of had trouble identifying exactly who I am or what I'm meant to do, etc. Having bad vision, and requiring sight aids is one of the few obvious things that I felt defined me. Hi, I'm Natalie, and I'm practically blind! It was almost a sense of pride just how blurry everything was without glasses or contacts. Today, I lose that definition.

I realize it's a great thing to do and I know I won't regret it at all. It just feels a bit odd - like I'm losing part of myself. Tampering with things. But I'm trying to look at it this way - I'm beginning to shed the negative definitions and find (or improve) the positive ones. Having great vision will be one less thing to worry about - clearing up space in mind for other, more important worries.

Everyone has been so sweet! Yesterday and today I've gotten so many emails from family (Aunties Melody and Gay) and cousins/best friends (Sarah, Lydia, Moriah) and friends (Susan, Janine, Jill, John, Candace, if I left anyone out I'm sorry) wishing me luck, telling me how happy they are for me, co-workers who can't wait to hear about it on Monday. I'm a lucky, loved girl.

I'll be filing a report first thing on Monday! Tomorrow morning when I wake up from a sweet, Valium-induced coma, I should be able to see the clock.

If you are also helpless to the need of vision enhancing materials, that last sentence probably made you cry.

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Important Poll

Ok, girls, I need your help. I'm kind of taking this whole Lasik thing as a fresh start, a chance for a bit of a makeover. I plan to start exercising again and so forth.

What I want to know is - what kind of shampoo/conditioner do you use? Everyone else seems to have shiny, silky looking hair. My hair is thick and coarse - its naturally wavy and will curl too. The only time I've seen it straight and silky is if someone else blow-dried it out or when I put a straightener in. I don't mind the waviness so much - but I'd like it to look and feel softer and shinier.

What's your favorite product?

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

I suppose nothing works perfectly..

I love my medications but oddly enough, I still hate certain people (that I have to work with).

Oh well. And it seems drinking heavily is out for me now, so I just don't know what I'll do!

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

I Knew I Forgot Something

I'm having Lasik surgery on Friday afternoon! I found out this past Friday that I'm an excellent candidate, and my parents are treating me to it. I'm still a bit in awe, and I can't really imagine what it's going to be like. Remember when you were little, and you asked for something for Christmas -and you were pretty sure you'd get it and what life would be like once you did, but you couldn't be sure - that is how I feel.

I started wearing glasses in the third grade so I could see the board. I finally got contacts in the eighth grade. And now, I might not have to wear anything at all! I'm hoping and praying I get 20/20 but if I have to wear a light prescription or glasses at night, I'll still take it. I'm so tired of not being able to see - and I have to wonder about the effects it might have on my depressive states. If I wake up and I can see, instead of everything being a hazy blur and I have to do that extra step of putting in contacts or finding my glasses - I mean, I really can't imagine it!

Here's the deal: Friday I get off work at noon (yay, summer schedule) and will go home and get my mother. Since my sister and her four children are supposed to arrive by then for a short visit, she'll probably be more than ready. I take my unopened Rxs for Valium (yay, Valium) and eye drops with me and they will tell me when to take the Vitamin V. Entire procedure should take less than 10 minutes but they will keep me there longer than that. Post-op orders are to go home and take a nap. Finally, instructions I can follow! I go back the next morning for an exam, then one or two weeks later for another. We went ahead and got the "Lifetime Warranty" (Random thought: do coffins come with lifetime warranties? and if so, whose lifetime is it based on?) so any exams or re-do's are free for the rest of my life.

I have to wonder if I'm guaranteeing that I'll get hit by a bus about a week after this. I'm thinking maybe I canceled out the ironic possibilities since I bought a year's worth of contacts two months ago.

I can't wait!!

P.S. In addition to not having a shower this morning, I also left my cash and cell phone at home. Go, me.

Tuesday

Well, let's see.. I didn't have time for a shower this morning so I feel gross and I was still late. I need to go home today and get a nap - I'm a bit behind on sleep. I normally like to get 8 or 9 hours a night and I've been averaging six. But, I leave early for a follow-up with the psych (things are going well) so I'll be home a little earlier than usual.

Mama is still here - I'm finally adjusting to having her here and enjoying it more. I'm learning sloooooooowly to give up trying to control every situation and thinking things can't possibly go right if I'm not around.

Yesterday evening I got home and she'd bleached the bathtub which was terrific (and washed the shower curtain, too!) but the smell was overwhelming. So I told her to get dressed and we'd go pick up her refills at the Supercenter and let the house air out. I cranked open the windows in the laundry area (I love those old windows that crank open). I knew what she was thinking so I said, "I'm not worried about somebody breaking in. With this smell, they couldn't possibly stay long enough to take anything."

Also, Red had come over while I was at work and fixed my mower. Again, I had to let go of control, since I wouldn't be there. Next thing I heard - two hours later - was that he was mowing. Not only did he fix the mower but he mowed the entire lawn! Then, he rang us up while we were at Wal-Mart and invited us over for dinner. Major brownie points.

I can't wait to go home and take a shower and go to bed!

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

4th of July

Happy belated 4th.. hope everyone had a nice one! I had a pretty good day... I'm still struggling with the whole "not worrying about everyone" thing, but I've noticed that our good friend Al Kohol is extremely helpful in achieving emotional mellowness.

In other words, I got trashed in front of my mother. It was just me, her, and Red - that's the blog-name i'm assigning to the BF. He's the same one from this past winter, only about a hundred times better. Anyway... he came over and we started with some shrimp cocktail (and wine) and then put squash, zucchini and steaks on the grill. Red switched to beer and Mama switched to iced tea so I finished their wine for them. Mama made a great salad with spinach leaves, radishes, cherry tomatoes and a homemade oil & vinegar dressing. I mean, look at us - we sound like something out of a magazine! I continued with the wine for a bit. Then I made some coffee, but since it was a special occasion, I added some Bailey's to it.

I vaguely remember long conversations, but I don't remember what they were about. I remember the Use of Brick being the best building material choice for houses ("But I want a wrap around porch" says I)

I'm not TERRIBLY hungover today but I don't feel great. I'm pretty sure my mother was amused, as I suspect this morning when I told her good-bye she was smirking when she told me to drink a lot of water this morning.

Oh no... I just remembered my heartfelt speech about helping homeless people. My head is starting to hurt more, so I'm going to wince my way over to some coffee.

I hope your holiday was not quite as festive as mine.

Monday, July 03, 2006

Signs and omens

This past Thursday, I was mowing the yard when I decided to try to get up under the scuppernong vine trellis and cut some of the growth, as I have done several times before. The blade hit a hidden thick rusty wire, part of which flew up and hit the knuckles of my first two fingers on my right hand. And of course, the blade refuses to work. My knuckle is still swollen and bruised.

Saturday, I vacuumed and straightened up and dusted. I was dusting the top of the TV (moved all the candles and everything) and was trying to peel off one of those little foil circles that are on the bottoms of candles and get stuck to surfaces. There was a tiny shard of glass leftover from a broken candle holder, and I sliced my thumb open on it.

I am taking these to be signs from above that truly, I am not meant for this type of tedious chore-doing, and the universe prefer I be lying on my bed under the fan, reading or sleeping.