I'm Not Sick, but I'm Not Well

I remember when I was growing up asking my mother, when she was lying in bed crippled with depression, "Why don't you feel well?" or "Do you feel better?" I didn't really get why she just couldn't get up, or why she had such trouble going anywhere or doing anything.

Around about the age of 19, I gained some insight into that. I get those questions a lot, and they are always well-meaning, out of concern or a struggle to understand. But I don't know how to answer them.

Why don't I feel well, or why do I feel bad? I don't know. It doesn't make sense that someone whose IQ tests at 146 has to take medicine to get out of bed every day or be able to go to the grocery store. It's just strange that someone who's naturally optimistic, who likes to be happy and have a good time, might find herself crouching in a corner crying and feeling like her insides are being ripped out, for no good reason at all. It stinks that someone who has a good work ethic might wake up one morning and search for a new excuse to call in sick - migraine, upset stomach, fever, because you can't call in and say "I can't seem to break out of the prison of my mind or my house, so I'm just going to stay here and be still until it goes away."

Do I feel better? It all depends on how bad it was before. If I spent a night fighting the urge to go and slice off my hands and now I don't feel that way well then yes, I feel better. But I might still feel sad and lonely and despairing. But then I might just feel very tired one night and the next day I will feel really good. It's a day by day thing. Sometimes, hour by hour.

I told someone in an email yesterday when I told them about my diagnosis: even though it sucks to be Bipolar Girl, it also is forcing me to live one day at a time. So even though that day is a struggle, I'm living that day and not the past or the future. Which means in a very backwards way I'm tasting more of life and living it to a fuller degree than ever before.

I know this is an icky depressing blog entry and I really don't want to turn this blog into some kind of psychotic memoir. I guess it just makes me feel better to think that someone going through this might come across it and know they are not alone.

Fun with P

Ultrabright aka Avery's mom got me interested in this word game.. you can go to her blog and leave a comment on the post and she will send you a letter. She must have given in to some kind of evyl temptation, because she gave me the letter "P". Let's see if I can resist that same temptation and keep it clean.

1. Paxil - anti-depressant that I was on in college.. thanks to it, I lost all sense of emotion, gained 30 lbs and dropped out of college. When I went off of it, I had night terrors. I wish I'd gotten in on that lawsuit.

2. Peanuts - The cartoon, that is. I still can't get over how educational that comic strip can be. I've learned a lot about sports history and religion from it. And how can it be the holidays without the Charlie Brown specials on TV??

3. Personality - what makes or breaks a person, in my opinion. When someone tells me I have a fantastic personality, I love hearing that a lot more than them telling me that I have great tits. I've seen people who are just drop-dead gorgeous until they open their mouths; and I've seen average looking people who become endearing and beautiful because of the person that they are.

4. Panhandling - I admit I regularly give money to beggars, if they seem truly in need. You just don't know what they've been through. And I always look them in the eye and touch their hand - it means more to them than the money.

5. Posture - mine is horrible! I catch myself hunching over all the time. My mother has spent a good deal of our lives jabbing me in the shoulders saying "Stand up straight!"

6. Pregnancy - have never had one, but am pretty sure I want to have one some day. I get double points on this one, because then I would be a Parent.

7. Pomeranian - my dog, Tigger, is half-Pomeranian. My cousin's new baby Rebel is also half-Pomeranian. I think she and I agree that brattiness is a trait of that breed!

8. Pressure - I tend to put a lot of it on myself, or none at all. I'm still looking for that happy balance. I've learned it's deadly in a relationship - you have to let people be who they are and go at their own pace.

9. Pandas, Penguins and Platypus (Platypi?) - triple bonus points! Animals with funny sounding names.

10. Please - a word I try to use often, and enjoy hearing other people use.

You know, that was kind of hard at first and then it became addictive!

Politicians are so stuffy

http://www.wral.com/news/9271892/detail.html

They ought to think about how much revenue the state gets from this "fleeting sports event". Nobody has a sense of humour anymore!

Every Day is a Surprise

Today will be a week that I've been on the Lamictal so tonight I move up to whole tablet. This is my life, people, the things I have to look forward to! Yesterday I felt terrific - happy, calm, focused and productive. Around 6:30 pm I crashed and got irritable and tired and overwhelmed and that feeling has stayed today. I have that feeling in my head - like it's indented or something and colored a dark grey. I'm struggling to not be cranky with people who are being perfectly kind. I only have a few things to do to get ready for my dad and niece's visit but it overwhelms me. I am bone tired despite a good night's sleep.

I had started another blog to document all this but I can't remember my sign in name or password. I don't know if it's a side effect or what but lately I can't remember shit. I was pretty ditzy before but now it's bad. Like, "Oh, I forgot I put something in the oven to cook" bad. Or "have I put on my makeup?" bad.

But hey, who needs short-term memory? As long as you can remember where you live, your PIN number and the name of the person you're kissing, what else do you need?

Not that I have anybody to kiss, but it was a good example... so you see, people, when you have all these mental illnesses, you never know what each day will bring.

Thank God for my wonderful friends, good music, and the internet!

Disorderly Conduct

(I'm sorry if all the articles links have been terribly annoying. Here's a real post to show my love)

I finally made it to the psychiatrist who turned out to be a very sweet older Indian lady. I had filled out a battery of questionnaires and then we talked and she honed right in on how I was feeling and what I was going through and most importantly, that it was getting worse with age.

In the end, she diagnosed me with what I was expecting: Bipolar Disorder (aka Manic Depression) II. The II means that I am not manic enough to be true Bipolar - I don't get those huge highs of mania where one might go out and buy, say, a yacht or adopt a lot of overseas orphans. But my moods do fluctuate in the pattern, more on the depressive side. I also have a panic disorder which I knew, and agoraphobia.

As much as I hated to hear that I'm Bipolar Girl, at least now I know what it is and we can find a good source of treatment so that it is all prevented and I can be my happy self. Because I AM a happy, upbeat, optimistic person.

So I'm easing off the Wellbutrin XL (I kind of hate to let it go) while I ease onto Lamictal very slowly. I'm also taking the lowest dose possible of Xanax to prevent the panic attacks and help me to adjust to the new medication. She warned me that this is not her standard procedure but that she felt it was what I needed. I am totally agreeing - I feel a bit uh - lethargic, I guess, but I'm still getting up and going to work, getting things done, and I prefer the lethargy to clenching my head in my hands trying not to scream.

So, we'll see!

Did He Pour Them Down Her Throat, Too?

http://www.wral.com/news/9224405/detail.html

At what point does one not have to accept responsibility for themselves?

Rock You Like a Hurricane

Our NHL team clinched their spot in the Eastern Conference finals last night! I wish they had won Saturday - they would've been the first team in NHL history to sweep the NJ Devils in a playoff series.

Oh well.

I have to say that I support these guys not only because I've come to love hockey, but because they are a bunch of classy acts. During the blackout last year, they offered to play for less money just so they could play. They support their community and their fans and you never hear bad stories about them in the press. They play as a team, not any of them acting as divas or solo acts even if they have the right to. Their captain, Rod Brind'Amour, is being hailed as the best team captain in the league.

So, good luck to the Canes - even if I can't afford tickets to your games, I'm behind you all the way!



http://www.carolinahurricanes.com/images/flash_gallery_RD25/index_NJD5.html

(look at the third or fourth from the end with the sign about "Who's Your Daddy, New Jersey?"

It's wrong to laugh at this kind of thing, and I know that

I can't help but snicker at it, though.


http://www.wral.com/apncnews/9217202/detail.html

Argh argh argh

I waited to hear from the first psychiatric office.

Never got a call back.

Called a second one.

After a few days, scored an appointment for today at 2.

Left work early yesterday due to massive anxiety attack. Spent rest of day, and evening, sedated.

Just got a call from the doctor's office asking why I didn't come to my appointment today at 11. I told her my appointment was at 2 - I had put it on my Outlook calendar when we spoke. She admitted it was possibly her fault. She said she'd see what the doctor had and call me back.

"Can you come right now?"

Well, no. I'm covering the front while everyone else is having a hurried lunch so I can make it there by 2.

So now my appointment is Tuesday morning.

That's fine... I'll just sit here and try not to kill myself or anybody else till then.

Um..

Why is there a huge blank space on my blog page?

Oh, Great!

http://www.cnn.com/2006/SHOWBIZ/Music/05/09/britney.pregnant.again.ap/index.html


I'm sure it will save their crumbling marriage.

I heart my coworkers

One of the things I love best about my job (besides high-speed internet) is my coworkers. We really are like a family.

A very dysfunctional family with a lot of secrets, but a family nonetheless. They keep me laughing and keep me going. Today I love them for special reasons, all of which have to do with my own instant gratification.

1. Free brand-new Gap Overalls that fit me perfectly. All because they don't fit a coworker's daughter. Even still had the tags on them!

2. Bojangle's Bo-berry biscuits for another coworker's birthday. These are from a local fried chicken chain. Warm biscuits baked with blueberries and soaked in icing.

3. Shoulder rubs.

I guess that's about it for now but aren't those great reasons to love them?

Doing my own part.. I brought the birthday girl some really pretty flowers from my yard. Two purple iris and something I can't quite identify, but it's beautiful.

Warning

If that damn psychiatrist's office doesn't call me back ASAP I am not responsible for anything that happens. I'm not sure how to stress "I need refills and help with anxiety" enough.


I mean seriously! What the fuck??

The Final Look Back

I am hopelessly sad and lonely and therefore I am going to inflict that on the general public in the hopes it will make me feel better, because dammit, I feel like shit right now.

I just got back from the burial of a former mayor of ours. He was quite old, and sick - but he was adorable and we are all sad.

But what broke my heart was seeing his wife. She just looked so little, and alone. Bewildered. She kept nodding her head, being strong, you have to get thru these things. But I kept thinking about how she must be thinking about so much that happened in their 52 years together. How she would now have to sleep at night without him. Things like that. Then as the family filed by, she turned around, almost wildly, to look at that wooden box. She clutched his flag to her chest and gave a pleading look.. please don't make me leave you here...

And for the life of me, I don't know if I desperately want that or not. I'm going to say that I do. I do want that.

What about you? The person you are with... would you look helplessly at their casket or urn and wonder just how you could go on?

Think about it. And pray that I find my true love out there, the one made for me, the one who will love me for 52 years and then tell the preacher that he doesn't want to leave me behind, but he knows I am in God's hands and so he will.




Jesus fucking Christ.

Waste Not, Want Not

I'm still deciding how I feel about this:


http://www.wral.com/foodnews/9165824/detail.html

I think they should have at least warned or asked them before kicking them out - it IS a buffet.

Cinco de Mayo!

Let's take a few minutes to just tie up some loose ends.

I found the dead bird husband last night., or rather, Tigger did. Sonofamotherfuckingbitch. Killed two birds with no stone.
(And no, I don't have a hole in my red sweater LL, but that was funny)

I recently set up a myspace site, and it's odd - I felt like I was cheating on all of you. I still feel that way, like I have to sneak to each of the sites to get my total fulfillment. Because on here, I get intelligence, humour, support, understanding, and a glimpse into some great people's lives. I also know how to operate it a little better than myspace. On the other one I get a bit of wildness, some crude humour and appeal to my ditzy side. Coming to blogger is like walking into the home of your oldest, most favorite lover.. warm and enveloping and a higher level of existence.

Today I have to go to a funeral for our former mayor and then it's Girls' Night Out.

Also, a minor feud that had been going on in my life was resolved last night - and it's a relief. It is a fantastic example of how differently men and women perceive things, and how CLEAR communication is crucial in any type of relationship, friendship or otherwise. I didn't realize how much anxiety and bad energy I was carrying from that animosity, so I'm very happy it's gone.

That's about it for now - I'll write about my new pimp shoes later.

Mantra

Don't obsess.

Don't obsess.

Don't OBSESS!!

Bird Murderer

I caused a bird's death last night.

Here's what happened: it was already bedtime so I took Tigger outside to go one more time. While he was faffing about the yard I decided to water my petunias that are in hanging baskets and are clinging desperately to life. I don't know why they are so dried up and dying. Anyway. I knew that one of them had a bird nest in it and the last time I looked it was full of little baby bird eggs. I peeped into the basket to see if they were still in there and thought I saw an actual bird but I wasn't sure. I reached up to get the basket and carefully bring it down and about that time the bird flies out and scared the shit out of me.

I don't know if she was a baby bird - all the eggs were gone - or the mother bird. I'm not exactly a member of the Audubon Society. But for some reason she couldn't fly well, or in her panic she banged into a few things. Whatever the reason, she ended up face down on my deck.

She was so little and soft. I managed to get her on her side and she just lay there, opening and closing her beak and I SWEAR she was saying "help, help". Or some last words to her bird husband and children. That's all I could think about, who is she thinking about, what is she saying to them? I thought maybe she was in shock and if I got her back in the nest she'd be ok. So I picked her up carefully and put her in the basket.

And then she died.

So, at ten o'clock last night I was standing barefoot on my deck weeping over a little brown bird. Of course I had to bury her so I found a little spot under some trees and gave her a proper burial, and I'm sure all her bird friends and family were watching from the trees so I hope they at least appreciate that I gave them a grave to go visit, after killing her and all. It was the least I could do, seeing as I ripped her away from them and all that.

If you're not already raising an eyebrow at how my mind works, try this on for size: while I was digging the hole, I thought "Sometimes I really fucking hate myself." Then when I had finished I leaned on the shovel and looked up at the stars and thought "When I do have kids, maybe I'll be a good parent after all - if I'm the kind of person who will dig a little bird grave at 10:00 at night."

I looked at the nest again when I was done, and saw it was built with red strings entertwined with all the twigs and straw. Where do they find red string?

Monday

Thank you all for your support of my love of flip-flops. I tried to put forth a little effort today, though, and upgraded to my cherry-print Dr. Scholl's. However, Rack Room Shoes is having a huge clearance sale and I will probably hit that up at lunchtime. I actually DO need some cute summer shoes.

This morning I ate a healthy breakfast (cantaloupe, 2 pieces bacon and chocolate soy milk); wore nice, wrinkle-free clothes; played with the dog; packed a healthy lunch; and made my bed, then got to work 30 minutes early.

I may have already used up my productivity this week....