I'm Not Sick, but I'm Not Well
I remember when I was growing up asking my mother, when she was lying in bed crippled with depression, "Why don't you feel well?" or "Do you feel better?" I didn't really get why she just couldn't get up, or why she had such trouble going anywhere or doing anything.
Around about the age of 19, I gained some insight into that. I get those questions a lot, and they are always well-meaning, out of concern or a struggle to understand. But I don't know how to answer them.
Why don't I feel well, or why do I feel bad? I don't know. It doesn't make sense that someone whose IQ tests at 146 has to take medicine to get out of bed every day or be able to go to the grocery store. It's just strange that someone who's naturally optimistic, who likes to be happy and have a good time, might find herself crouching in a corner crying and feeling like her insides are being ripped out, for no good reason at all. It stinks that someone who has a good work ethic might wake up one morning and search for a new excuse to call in sick - migraine, upset stomach, fever, because you can't call in and say "I can't seem to break out of the prison of my mind or my house, so I'm just going to stay here and be still until it goes away."
Do I feel better? It all depends on how bad it was before. If I spent a night fighting the urge to go and slice off my hands and now I don't feel that way well then yes, I feel better. But I might still feel sad and lonely and despairing. But then I might just feel very tired one night and the next day I will feel really good. It's a day by day thing. Sometimes, hour by hour.
I told someone in an email yesterday when I told them about my diagnosis: even though it sucks to be Bipolar Girl, it also is forcing me to live one day at a time. So even though that day is a struggle, I'm living that day and not the past or the future. Which means in a very backwards way I'm tasting more of life and living it to a fuller degree than ever before.
I know this is an icky depressing blog entry and I really don't want to turn this blog into some kind of psychotic memoir. I guess it just makes me feel better to think that someone going through this might come across it and know they are not alone.
Around about the age of 19, I gained some insight into that. I get those questions a lot, and they are always well-meaning, out of concern or a struggle to understand. But I don't know how to answer them.
Why don't I feel well, or why do I feel bad? I don't know. It doesn't make sense that someone whose IQ tests at 146 has to take medicine to get out of bed every day or be able to go to the grocery store. It's just strange that someone who's naturally optimistic, who likes to be happy and have a good time, might find herself crouching in a corner crying and feeling like her insides are being ripped out, for no good reason at all. It stinks that someone who has a good work ethic might wake up one morning and search for a new excuse to call in sick - migraine, upset stomach, fever, because you can't call in and say "I can't seem to break out of the prison of my mind or my house, so I'm just going to stay here and be still until it goes away."
Do I feel better? It all depends on how bad it was before. If I spent a night fighting the urge to go and slice off my hands and now I don't feel that way well then yes, I feel better. But I might still feel sad and lonely and despairing. But then I might just feel very tired one night and the next day I will feel really good. It's a day by day thing. Sometimes, hour by hour.
I told someone in an email yesterday when I told them about my diagnosis: even though it sucks to be Bipolar Girl, it also is forcing me to live one day at a time. So even though that day is a struggle, I'm living that day and not the past or the future. Which means in a very backwards way I'm tasting more of life and living it to a fuller degree than ever before.
I know this is an icky depressing blog entry and I really don't want to turn this blog into some kind of psychotic memoir. I guess it just makes me feel better to think that someone going through this might come across it and know they are not alone.
posted by Natalie | 7:56 AM
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