It just ain't in me

Ok, so I didn't dump her. Instead, I did an experiment in mature human behavior (must be all those magazines I read addressing these types of problems) and kindly confronted her. She fessed up, and that seemed to clear the air and she became more like herself. I made the decision to stay out of what's going on with her, with the exception of some mildly amusing watching-from-the-sidelines. So I feel better.

I don't really trust her enough to confide in her but I'll still talk to her, and hang out with her from time to time. And I guess we'll see what we will see. I just don't have it in me to just cut people off, I suppose. But I'm ok with drifting apart : )

Speaking of kindness, when I got home last night the workers who had had to cut up part of the road in front of my house to work on a sewer line, patched my driveway! They used some of the blacktop to fill in the gap between the road and my gravel drive. It makes for a smooth, superior driveway-leaving and entering experience. I don't know if they just had some left over or if it's because I waved and asked how they were doing, when I went by at lunch to walk the dog, after my doctor's appointment. Either way, I'm very very very happy.

Why I like animals

I'm having to dump a girlfriend. And it's hard. Because, I always try to believe in people and look for the best in them. And for awhile, I saw that.

Then I started to see inconsistencies. Then I found out about lying. Then I realized the manipulation, the lack of compassion for others, the delight in attention and the inability to deal with anyone else getting any. Then, I could see the total negativity, the snobbiness, and again, the lying. The save-her-ass at the last minute.

I don't hate her. I'd be polite to her. But I don't want to be friends with her anymore. And it's kind of hard. Who wants to dump a friend?? Especially a girlfriend that you've shared stuff with and had fun with and has been there for you somewhat.

It seems like the only people I can really rely on these days are far away or I don't even know except through blogger. Maybe because I see all their thoughts and day to day activities. Because they have no reason to lie or misrepresent. Because they don't think they have to compete with me. I ought to try harder to put links in to their sites so I can pay homage to the ones who make me laugh and keep on going.

Someone else I lost recently told me once, in a fit of anger over my mental illness (I admit I was in pretty pathetic shape), "You drive people away from you."

Considering that most of my good good friends are long distance, and boys talk to me but never ask me out, sometimes I wonder if that's true. I know that it isn't - I know that I'm a good person, I'm just very different. And I'm ok with that, I like belonging to the different crowd that might seem just below the others but they are real people and they are fun and interesting. But I've got to accept that I operate on that plane and not the mechanical one above it, and I have to start living my life on that different level so that I will really love and embrace it, and it will love and embrace me and I won't ever drive people away.

Incidentally, that same person once told me that of all the people he'd ever met, I had the most beautiful soul.

Yesterday at twilight I walked off into the sunset with someone I know really loves me and always wants me around. I think it matters not that he was on a leash and had just thrown up a bunch of berries that he ate while I wasn't looking. Love is love.