Blinking from the sunshine
Well, I'm back. I managed once again to crawl out of the cavern, rip off the yoke, break through the darkness etc. etc.
This weekend I crashed, from being off the Wellbutrin Xl. Crashed bad. I was at the beach visiting a dear friend and was doing ok and having a nice time. Saturday night I had a panic attack after I went to bed. The next morning I was ok, a little groggy from all the Xanax I gulped down but Ok. We went shopping and hit a sale at JC Penney's, where I found an adorable handbag and 3 bathing suits that actually look terrific on me. A huge change from last year when I was oh, 30 pounds heavier? I can't "weight" till I shed these last 15 or 20, but I still feel pretty hot mama-ish. I could tell, though, I wasn't feeling good. And people kept coming up to me to talk to me - to ask me things like where the fitting room was or did I see another size in that bottom piece. At one point I pointed to a saleslady who was two feet away and said "perhaps she knows?" I mean seriously.
It was on the drive home when things got bad, and they didn't improve much from that point on. Monday morning I came in to work, zombied and crying, to put in for a few days off and change my voice mail and email response so all that wouldn't pile up too bad. Then I called my psych's nurse to leave a message asking to get in that day and went home and crashed. They got me in at one, and I managed to get there, she agreed i should get back on the Wellbutrin XL and wrote me a prescription, I went to get something to eat then went home and crashed again. I made it to Wal-Mart that night to get my prescription and then pretty much spent the next two days in bed.
Yesterday I still felt like warmed-over shit, but I came in to work. I struggled all morning. I managed not to cry when my boss asked if I was ok, and that everyone was behind me in my efforts. At lunchtime, or after rather, I decided maybe eating something would make me feel better even though I had zero appetite. I was going to go to Taco Bell since I'm pretty sure they put drugs in their food to make it addictive but then I thought I'd go to the grocery store and get a salad. I was feeling more and more spacy, separated, insane. When I got to the parking lot and saw those nice normal people walking, I broke down. I parked my car and cried because I was so tired of fighting this fight. I was so scared that I will never have a "normal" life - marriage (if I decide to go there again), kids, etc. I wanted to just let go and be crazy and be done with it. I called Someone who, though kind, didn't exactly say what i wanted to hear. But it was still calming.
I walked into the store, up to the salad bar, turned around and went back out and to work.
About an hour later, I started to feel pretty good. I called and scheduled a massage for after work. I kept feeling more and more like myself. But I still felt broken - my whole body ached like I'd literally been at war, like my very skin and bones were pulled and torn from the struggle.
The massage itself deserves its own entry which I might get to later, but it literally felt like a rebirth. I felt like a new person. I went and picked up Tigger at Ken's house and went home and texted my parents that the sun had broken through that afternoon, so to speak. And that I still suspect Wellbutrin is crack in patent pill form, but whatever.
It felt so good to feel like me again. I still feel good today. I'm going to try to replace bad habits with good habits. I'm going to do more things that I enjoy and take care of myself more. I'm going to do everything I can to remember that no matter how dark it gets, no matter how badly it hurts, no matter how far from the world I feel, that I can fight it.
I had some major support through all of this, too. You all know who you are, and you were warriors with me and I'm too grateful to speak.
I'm better. I'm better. I'm better.
This weekend I crashed, from being off the Wellbutrin Xl. Crashed bad. I was at the beach visiting a dear friend and was doing ok and having a nice time. Saturday night I had a panic attack after I went to bed. The next morning I was ok, a little groggy from all the Xanax I gulped down but Ok. We went shopping and hit a sale at JC Penney's, where I found an adorable handbag and 3 bathing suits that actually look terrific on me. A huge change from last year when I was oh, 30 pounds heavier? I can't "weight" till I shed these last 15 or 20, but I still feel pretty hot mama-ish. I could tell, though, I wasn't feeling good. And people kept coming up to me to talk to me - to ask me things like where the fitting room was or did I see another size in that bottom piece. At one point I pointed to a saleslady who was two feet away and said "perhaps she knows?" I mean seriously.
It was on the drive home when things got bad, and they didn't improve much from that point on. Monday morning I came in to work, zombied and crying, to put in for a few days off and change my voice mail and email response so all that wouldn't pile up too bad. Then I called my psych's nurse to leave a message asking to get in that day and went home and crashed. They got me in at one, and I managed to get there, she agreed i should get back on the Wellbutrin XL and wrote me a prescription, I went to get something to eat then went home and crashed again. I made it to Wal-Mart that night to get my prescription and then pretty much spent the next two days in bed.
Yesterday I still felt like warmed-over shit, but I came in to work. I struggled all morning. I managed not to cry when my boss asked if I was ok, and that everyone was behind me in my efforts. At lunchtime, or after rather, I decided maybe eating something would make me feel better even though I had zero appetite. I was going to go to Taco Bell since I'm pretty sure they put drugs in their food to make it addictive but then I thought I'd go to the grocery store and get a salad. I was feeling more and more spacy, separated, insane. When I got to the parking lot and saw those nice normal people walking, I broke down. I parked my car and cried because I was so tired of fighting this fight. I was so scared that I will never have a "normal" life - marriage (if I decide to go there again), kids, etc. I wanted to just let go and be crazy and be done with it. I called Someone who, though kind, didn't exactly say what i wanted to hear. But it was still calming.
I walked into the store, up to the salad bar, turned around and went back out and to work.
About an hour later, I started to feel pretty good. I called and scheduled a massage for after work. I kept feeling more and more like myself. But I still felt broken - my whole body ached like I'd literally been at war, like my very skin and bones were pulled and torn from the struggle.
The massage itself deserves its own entry which I might get to later, but it literally felt like a rebirth. I felt like a new person. I went and picked up Tigger at Ken's house and went home and texted my parents that the sun had broken through that afternoon, so to speak. And that I still suspect Wellbutrin is crack in patent pill form, but whatever.
It felt so good to feel like me again. I still feel good today. I'm going to try to replace bad habits with good habits. I'm going to do more things that I enjoy and take care of myself more. I'm going to do everything I can to remember that no matter how dark it gets, no matter how badly it hurts, no matter how far from the world I feel, that I can fight it.
I had some major support through all of this, too. You all know who you are, and you were warriors with me and I'm too grateful to speak.
I'm better. I'm better. I'm better.
posted by Natalie | 7:05 AM
3 Comments:
I've been reading lately, linking from Baby Makes 3.
The fact that you went back to work shows that you are stronger than you know.
http://littlelai.wordpress.com
Wow, you've lost 30 pounds? That's great! Glad you're better!
hey natalie,
i'm so glad that you are feeling better. it's a tough battle, but just know that there are so many people thinking about you, hoping that everyday gets better for you.
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