Getting ill
I felt good this morning, after feeling horrible last night but now I'm getting ill again. I just want everybody to be quiet and that makes me feel horrible too. People should be entitled to talk and laugh and pick, right? It's not their fault every little thing gets under my skin.
Just shut up! Please!
Last night something happened that felt good and irritated me all at the same time. I was simultaneously worrying about my mother (who is also depressed and can't leave the house) and pissed and hurt that she can't make it up here to me after telling her two weeks ago in tears that I needed her. I wanted to text my sister, who blew up at her and set off the depression, "at least she will get out of bed for you". It brought back a flood of memories of anger and bewilderment and frustration that Mama couldn't get out of bed. The responsibilities that I had (and my sister) to help keep our house going, doing my own laundry when I was in the 3rd grade. Making childish efforts at preparing balanced meals and quietly staying at home during the summer days, because she couldn't take me to the pool. For the longest time I've said "oh, i know what it was like for her, and why she couldn't do anything" and I do. So of course I feel bad for feeling angry but for a little while I just let myself be mad and hurt. That it set in me a lifetime of a need to fix everything, make everything better, make sure everyone is happy and ok. That I feel responsible for everything around me and can't seem to be able to really relate to people.
I guess it's my own fault for living so far away but sometimes I feel like I'm being punished. "you're having a hard time? well, you choose to live there so if you're alone, that's too bad." I know that isn't the case. I'm so oversensitive right now, anything sets me off. Why am I so irritable? Am I getting worse, instead of better?
Mama told me a few years back that when I was little, I would complain about people wanting to talk to me, or touch my clothes or hair and that I didn't like it. Touch I don't mind - but I do find that I feel sometimes that everyone wants to know everything I'm doing. Like at work. I hate fixing something to eat because every person you see wants to know what it is, where'd you get that, that looks good, did you bring me some? I know that sounds so mean - they are just being nice and are being friendly. But it makes me self conscious. And I feel recently when I go out in public, everyone asks ME for directions or where the dressing room is, or what do I think of the new landscaping or what's my dog's name?
It's odd because I love the stage and theatre and attention from those closest to me. I just want the general public to be quiet and leave me alone. And I don't want to be one of those people who immerse themselves in a childhood come and gone instead of living in the day.
I'm just so tired of feeling responsible for everyone, for walking a tightrope and trying to placate at all times. I don't even want to plan social things because, what if people don't get along? What if someone doesn't have a good time? I can't handle anything right now it seems - nitpicking, teasing, complaints, criticism.
I didn't mean to go off on all that, I'm sorry. I just want my office mates to be quiet and you see what all comes out?
Just shut up! Please!
Last night something happened that felt good and irritated me all at the same time. I was simultaneously worrying about my mother (who is also depressed and can't leave the house) and pissed and hurt that she can't make it up here to me after telling her two weeks ago in tears that I needed her. I wanted to text my sister, who blew up at her and set off the depression, "at least she will get out of bed for you". It brought back a flood of memories of anger and bewilderment and frustration that Mama couldn't get out of bed. The responsibilities that I had (and my sister) to help keep our house going, doing my own laundry when I was in the 3rd grade. Making childish efforts at preparing balanced meals and quietly staying at home during the summer days, because she couldn't take me to the pool. For the longest time I've said "oh, i know what it was like for her, and why she couldn't do anything" and I do. So of course I feel bad for feeling angry but for a little while I just let myself be mad and hurt. That it set in me a lifetime of a need to fix everything, make everything better, make sure everyone is happy and ok. That I feel responsible for everything around me and can't seem to be able to really relate to people.
I guess it's my own fault for living so far away but sometimes I feel like I'm being punished. "you're having a hard time? well, you choose to live there so if you're alone, that's too bad." I know that isn't the case. I'm so oversensitive right now, anything sets me off. Why am I so irritable? Am I getting worse, instead of better?
Mama told me a few years back that when I was little, I would complain about people wanting to talk to me, or touch my clothes or hair and that I didn't like it. Touch I don't mind - but I do find that I feel sometimes that everyone wants to know everything I'm doing. Like at work. I hate fixing something to eat because every person you see wants to know what it is, where'd you get that, that looks good, did you bring me some? I know that sounds so mean - they are just being nice and are being friendly. But it makes me self conscious. And I feel recently when I go out in public, everyone asks ME for directions or where the dressing room is, or what do I think of the new landscaping or what's my dog's name?
It's odd because I love the stage and theatre and attention from those closest to me. I just want the general public to be quiet and leave me alone. And I don't want to be one of those people who immerse themselves in a childhood come and gone instead of living in the day.
I'm just so tired of feeling responsible for everyone, for walking a tightrope and trying to placate at all times. I don't even want to plan social things because, what if people don't get along? What if someone doesn't have a good time? I can't handle anything right now it seems - nitpicking, teasing, complaints, criticism.
I didn't mean to go off on all that, I'm sorry. I just want my office mates to be quiet and you see what all comes out?
posted by Natalie | 9:55 AM
1 Comments:
I feel self-conscious when people notice what I'm doing, eating, wearing, too...
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