Crazy Monkey Dance of Life
I don't know why but on my way to work this morning, I was suddenly inspired for several blog entries (other than how bad I feel, what meds I'm on, etc) and of course now that I'm at work, my brain has gone into shut-down-and-survive mode and I feel not an ounce of creativity. I still remember two.. and after an email I got this morning I'm hesitant to write this one, out of respect, but I'm still going to because it's just such a weird spiderweb example of how goofy life is.
Back in the fall of 1990, I was 12 years old and the world was showing me how sweet life could be. I was in the seventh grade, and I'd made the junior high cheerleading squad. My parents were getting along, I was tiny and cute and though not necessarily accepted by the popular crowd, I was at least tolerated and therefore life in school was not bad at all. After football season started, a cute sweet guy in the 9th grade (he was older!) started talking to me. I mean, boys didn't talk to me before that. They talked to Jennifer Edington or Allyson Lloyd and girls like that. I didn't really know what to do but I guess the natural flirt in me came out and I managed to talk back when he did speak to me. We began talking a little more and then hanging out together at recess. And, I'm sorry, but in Vardaman High School, being together at recess is serious business. He would talk to me on the sidelines of the games when he wasn't on the field. We started writing notes to each other that we'd pass on in the hallways, both of us having had memorized each other's schedules. We were going together, and on the day we got of school for Christmas break, the day before my birthday, he gave me my first kiss. When he broke up with me the following summer, I thought I would die from the hurt. I didn't get over him for two years.
That next school year EVERYTHING went wrong, but that's a whole 'nother story. This is all about how weird things are.
Fast forward to the 10th grade, when he's a senior, and he starts dating my best friend - or rather, the girl who'd been my best friend since first grade and then kind of dumped me over and over during school. She had dated his best friend a couple years before (ah, small town life!). I don't think I mentioned that we were ALL taught throughout school by both his parents and an aunt and uncle. Fast forward to a couple years ago, when he and I got back in touch and thought, thrillingly, that things would fall back into place and for a few weeks they did. He was just as smart and sweet as I remembered. But it just wasn't right for us. I thought he hated me. I sent him a birthday card and never heard anything. But when mine came around, I got a card, too. So I knew it was all ok.
Fast forward to just a few weeks ago when I was shocked to see a very kind and encouraging comment on my blog from him. So naturally I went to HIS blog and checked it a couple times over the next week for updates. No updates, but there was another comment aside from mine on his initial post. I won't link her because she's in a precarious situation and doesn't need publicity. It was this cute redheaded girl who lives in Vardaman and I started reading her blog. Oh, she just reminded me so much of myself when I was 16. Reading her blog was like reading my old journal entries. Except that she's got her shit together a whole lot better than I ever did. She talked about her family and God and her boyfriend, whose name she never mentioned. But I pieced it together almost immediately... it was him! At first I was like "Dear God what can they be thinking...he's 30, she's 16!" Her parents know, and accept it. His do not. I cannot believe they managed to keep it a secret for nearly a year now. And she had posted on her blog about being upset because he commented on mine. I didn't blame her, so I left her some comments to let her know not to worry. One thing led to another and we began emailing each other! She was so cool and funny - she's got that youthful freedom about her, yet at the same time she is so mature it was like talking to one of my regular girlfriends. She felt guilty (I'm trying to quit) but because Vardaman is such a suck-ass place to live, she was a bit lonely for female companionship. It was odd because I liked talking to her, yet at the same time I'm wishing she could meet up with my 15 year old niece because they'd get along so well.
I mean, what an odd cycle. But that is life for you.
But this morning, I got an email from her saying she was very sorry, but she just felt too guilty about talking to me, knowing he had asked her not to (though I am not sure why he did that) and that because she loved him, she just couldn't talk to me until he was ok with that.
I admit the disappointment caught me by surprise, poking me in the throat. But I understood, and I told her so - and that when she needs me, I'll be here. I just hope things continue to work out for them and that they will be happy. And honey, if he hurts you, I'll come and help you hide the body. That's what friends are for.
Back in the fall of 1990, I was 12 years old and the world was showing me how sweet life could be. I was in the seventh grade, and I'd made the junior high cheerleading squad. My parents were getting along, I was tiny and cute and though not necessarily accepted by the popular crowd, I was at least tolerated and therefore life in school was not bad at all. After football season started, a cute sweet guy in the 9th grade (he was older!) started talking to me. I mean, boys didn't talk to me before that. They talked to Jennifer Edington or Allyson Lloyd and girls like that. I didn't really know what to do but I guess the natural flirt in me came out and I managed to talk back when he did speak to me. We began talking a little more and then hanging out together at recess. And, I'm sorry, but in Vardaman High School, being together at recess is serious business. He would talk to me on the sidelines of the games when he wasn't on the field. We started writing notes to each other that we'd pass on in the hallways, both of us having had memorized each other's schedules. We were going together, and on the day we got of school for Christmas break, the day before my birthday, he gave me my first kiss. When he broke up with me the following summer, I thought I would die from the hurt. I didn't get over him for two years.
That next school year EVERYTHING went wrong, but that's a whole 'nother story. This is all about how weird things are.
Fast forward to the 10th grade, when he's a senior, and he starts dating my best friend - or rather, the girl who'd been my best friend since first grade and then kind of dumped me over and over during school. She had dated his best friend a couple years before (ah, small town life!). I don't think I mentioned that we were ALL taught throughout school by both his parents and an aunt and uncle. Fast forward to a couple years ago, when he and I got back in touch and thought, thrillingly, that things would fall back into place and for a few weeks they did. He was just as smart and sweet as I remembered. But it just wasn't right for us. I thought he hated me. I sent him a birthday card and never heard anything. But when mine came around, I got a card, too. So I knew it was all ok.
Fast forward to just a few weeks ago when I was shocked to see a very kind and encouraging comment on my blog from him. So naturally I went to HIS blog and checked it a couple times over the next week for updates. No updates, but there was another comment aside from mine on his initial post. I won't link her because she's in a precarious situation and doesn't need publicity. It was this cute redheaded girl who lives in Vardaman and I started reading her blog. Oh, she just reminded me so much of myself when I was 16. Reading her blog was like reading my old journal entries. Except that she's got her shit together a whole lot better than I ever did. She talked about her family and God and her boyfriend, whose name she never mentioned. But I pieced it together almost immediately... it was him! At first I was like "Dear God what can they be thinking...he's 30, she's 16!" Her parents know, and accept it. His do not. I cannot believe they managed to keep it a secret for nearly a year now. And she had posted on her blog about being upset because he commented on mine. I didn't blame her, so I left her some comments to let her know not to worry. One thing led to another and we began emailing each other! She was so cool and funny - she's got that youthful freedom about her, yet at the same time she is so mature it was like talking to one of my regular girlfriends. She felt guilty (I'm trying to quit) but because Vardaman is such a suck-ass place to live, she was a bit lonely for female companionship. It was odd because I liked talking to her, yet at the same time I'm wishing she could meet up with my 15 year old niece because they'd get along so well.
I mean, what an odd cycle. But that is life for you.
But this morning, I got an email from her saying she was very sorry, but she just felt too guilty about talking to me, knowing he had asked her not to (though I am not sure why he did that) and that because she loved him, she just couldn't talk to me until he was ok with that.
I admit the disappointment caught me by surprise, poking me in the throat. But I understood, and I told her so - and that when she needs me, I'll be here. I just hope things continue to work out for them and that they will be happy. And honey, if he hurts you, I'll come and help you hide the body. That's what friends are for.
posted by Natalie | 7:09 AM
1 Comments:
Nat, I just want you to know that I never ever meant to hurt you. You're a wonderful person..and eventually,though I don't know when that will be, I hope he will let me talk to you. Or at least be okay with me talking to you. Though,something that happened that I'm dying to tell you about. It's had me feeling sick all day. Matter of fact.. I'm still trying to chill out from it. But, I really do care about you. And I enjoyed your companionship. :)
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