Is the Brick Wall Real or Fake? Run into it fast and find out

Obviously, I haven't been blogging.

I know I don't have that much of an audience so i guess I haven't been too worried. For awhile I didn't feel comfortable accessing it at work nor did I have the time. Today I really just don't give a fuck. I know that the time has come to quit dicking around and get my life together or at least a foot on the right path. Problem is what is the right path? What do I want to do? What's the right thing to do?

I used to trust my instincts and go out on a limb. Now, I seem to hedge my bets and second guess myself. I'm scared. Of going broke, losing my house. Trailing back to Mississippi pathetic and ripped up instead of triumphant. Why am I staying where I'm not happy? That applies to so many things in my life right now.

I don't know what I'm good at or what I'm meant to do or anything that I love, love LOVE to do so much other than read. I didn't finish college. My stupid job requires so much brainpower and evenings that I don't think I could handle night school even if I could afford it. I find myself drinking more, caring less and trying even less. Why do I keep jumping happily into that wall, instead of going around it, over it or even digging a tunnel underneath it?

I hate writing crap like this. This is not me. I am a happy, free-spirited person. I just need to find a way to support myself and be proud of who I am while remaining true to that person.