Post Schmost

I don't really have much to tell which probably means I'll write a long blithering entry! Really all I feel like doing is drinking coffee and scowling at something. Nothing really is wrong, except that I'm not where I want to be or doing what I want to be doing. I'm not even sure what I want to do, more like what I DON'T want to do. Namely this job. Now, I'm grateful for my job. I really am. But sometimes the thought of just declaring bankruptcy and starting from scratch does sound appealing. I doubt I'll ever give in to that though. But I'm definitely out of sorts. I buy food that I can't seem to eat. I long for sleep but then put it off, afraid of what kinds of dreams I'll have. I can't think of anything that truly interests me, other than what is too far out of reach. And now I'm writing depressing, bad-coffee-house-poetry-style blog entries. LOL.

This is the problem: I know that I'm wasting the precious days of my life. If I were in ignorant bliss, it'd be different. I could be fooled into thinking this is what I want to do, where I want to be. But the wool has been pulled off my eyes and I know differently. THAT is the brick wall that slams into me when I think about how I have to go out the door and come in here. I tell myself every night and every morning that it is necessary - and as I said, I'm grateful for what I have. And I always try to come in and do a good job and be cheerful. And actually, I'm happy - I'm not angry or bitter or hardened -I'm happy to have a plan, a dream. But that haunting thought, that I'm just coasting along doing what I have to do, is always lingering beside me. The result is being unable recently to truly enjoy anything. The food, the sleep, movies, I haven't even been able to sing along with the radio recently. My lips seem to stay clamped shut. The only thing I truly enjoy is books - plowing thru a whole one at night.

I just have to keep working hard, and hold onto my faith...time flies by and soon I will be where I desire to be, and will probably instantly began wishing I was elsewhere... lol.