Shooting Stars

It only took two months and 11 days but...

2007-02-26T18:45:00.000-05:00

Hey y'all.... hop on over here and see my new blog!

Thanks for reading!

To Do List

2006-12-15T10:06:00.000-05:00

1. Call Alltel to see about changing phone plan
2. Call person interested in seeing house tomorrow to see if they are still coming X
3. Finish all work and exit interview
4. Attend non-town-sponsored Christmas & going-away party at Mac's Tavern
5. Do any cleaning up necessary for house viewing
6. Recover from hangover
7. Get ready for friends' coming over for another goodby party
8. Have mail forwarded
9. Go to bank
10. Finish Christmas shopping
11. Clean out car
12. Pack
13. Sign paperwork for listing house in case person does not buy it tomorrow X
14. Get rid of junk, and take clothes to Goodwill
15. Lose 25 pounds
16. Fill out paperwork to get early withdrawal from IRA account
17. Do Christmas cards
18. Get car tuned up

Who has time for a job???

Parting is Such Sweet Sorrow

2006-12-14T09:36:00.000-05:00

Not.

Ok, I'll miss a good chunk of my coworkers here, but thanks to email and phone they don't have to be out of my lives completely. And in fact, they helped me cook up a very sweet way to answer back to the final insult I've gotten.

(Just think. After tomorrow, you never ever ever have to read about my heinous job again. This one, anyway.)

As usual, the steps they are taking to have help and coverage in the immediate aftermath of my leaving make absolutely no sense to anyone not involved. Have I been invited to meetings to figure it out? No. All I was asked to do was write up all my duties, and how to do them, and train someone all day yesterday on how to do the most important ones. I'm still supposed to be working on an extremely detailed cheat sheet for this person, who is going to work here ONE WHOLE MONTH while they find a permanent person. That itself is fine, except there were people already working here temporarily who wanted to keep on for a little while longer and could've done it just as well.

I was complaining about that yesterday and said "There's no PLAN."

Someone who's been involved in discussions: "Yeah. There's a plan. We just can't say what it is."

"Ok. You can tell me on Friday then."

"No, because you would tell people still working here. Sorry - just can't say anything. People will find out but we have to keep it a secret."

You're replacing an admin, not the speaker of the house!! What's with the secrecy?

So you know that detailed job instructions I'm supposed to type up?

I'll leave it in an envelope. And when they open it, it's going to say:

Sorry. There is a plan in place for how to do my job, but I'm afraid I can't tell you. You'll find out eventually.

Yesterday's Random Thought

2006-12-13T16:50:00.000-05:00

You know how they'll use the phrase "one of the world's most dangerous assassins"?

Assassins are paid to kill people. Wouldn't that make them all equally dangerous??

Also, where did the phrase "hock a loogie" originate?

See how productive my mind is becoming already? Stay tuned for an update for a new blog.

Gives new meaning to "spamalot"

2006-12-07T09:00:00.000-05:00

The following accompanied a spam email I just got for mail-order prescription drugs:

Of his bones are coral made Thorny hedgehogs, be not seenher the history of the lovers, and their midnight quarrels and shecould say nothing for a long time, but O thy mother, thy mother! they were very serious, and they have the truth from Hero, and seem to are you gentle, strong and valiant and why would you be so fond toto his letter and while he was reading it, he exclaimed, Sweet Aye, Protheus, returned Valentine, but that life is altered now. IValentine, who had so well deserved her.wrote down every thing he saw there, and particularly noticed a molethis, that Iachimo should be made to confess whence he had the ring heThen Lear, nigh heartbroken, turned to Gonerill, and said that he thane, or lord, called Macbeth. This Macbeth was a near kinsman to the which was forming against him under Malcolm, the eldest son of theshe, who till now had been so humble and so hopeless, formed an she, who till now had been so humble and so hopeless, formed anof his fatherinlaw, or angry words of the enraged Katherine, couldon his going home with her, and Antipholis at last, being unable tonot take the money. And the duke went with the abbess and her newlyhe must prepare for death on the morrow. Is there no remedy said averse to comply for this haughty beauty, whom the Duke Orsino had and the knitters when they sit in the sun, and the young maids thatas his own. Then with a cheerful look, as if confident of the trial, by her besides, this young Mountague had never thoroughly enteredwas no world out of Verona's walls, no living out of the sight ofhis mother, how far she was privy to this murder, and whether by herof great crimes the son may have leave to speak even to his own motherplace of lieutenant from him. you s, why do you make us love your goodly gifts, and then snatch drooping prince he lifted up his eyes, which had been so long fixedThe first sign of habitation which they came to was a giant's cave they fared like men that are exiles from their country, and if a gleambehaviour of our men. In some I marked their hearts trembling, throughhis companions are the nymphs which never die.Who has not heardsea belched up against the land he could dimly discover the ruggedstratagem. fattest go to feed the voracious stomachs of the queen's suitors. the dess, and durst not bark, but went crouching and licking of thegainsay the prince. was some which had deceived them to think it was the person offurnish him with a luncheon which, though it generally happened every mother during the period I supposed them entitled to those belovedwas only to come in and say, How does my little darling do today in the way. The last time it was talked of, lady Harriot said her bought for me at this cheerful fair. flames which were pictured in the pretty pictures which the book had,had heard, a confusion was in my head, who it was I had seen that looked upon Betsy as a woman, hearing him so spoken of, and this

That really was where it ended. And I've no idea if any of it is correct; never really dug Shakespeare.

Back to business, people

2006-12-04T14:36:00.000-05:00

So, yeah. I'm quitting my job, selling my house to an investor, moving my stuff to storage in Mississippi where my folks are and then bumming around the country for a bit. First stop, Colorado to crash with my cousin Mo. I'll have to work part-time at least to cover monthly bills (unless God loves me enough to let me make some money off my house) but that will still leave much more time and energy for blogging and writing, yee-hah! I plan to start a new blog.. fresh starts all over, stay tuned.

Then I might swing by and visit some fam in Wisconsin, and convince her to join me in a life of non-achievement bumming since her job makes her unhappy, too. Either that or I'll get her some mafia fundage to start her own quilting business. Isn't she talented?

I'm happy happy happy happy happy HAPPY!!!!

Keep your fingers crossed for this one, too - big changes might come about for her. And she needs something good to happen, she really does.

The Big News... I am free

2006-11-29T16:25:00.000-05:00

More details to come, but this is what I turned in today.

29 November 2006

To: X - Director of Development Services
Y - Town Manager
Z - Human Resources Representative

From: Natalie Spencer

Re: Resignation & Two Weeks Notice

Dear X, Y, and Z and whomever else it may concern;

This letter is to inform you of my resignation and to provide two weeks’ notice of leave; my last day with the Town will be Friday, December 15th, 2006.

Please know that a lot of thought and prayer went into this decision over some period of time. My reasons for leaving are my own; there is no specific cause or event here at the Town that shaped this decision. It is simply time for me to move on. My goal is to travel a bit, then move closer to my family and finish my education. I also look forward to reviving my creative skills and pursuing the discovery of what I am truly meant to do. My family and friends are in full support of my decision and I hope that my second family here will understand. I feel completely confident in my plans; my spirituality and faith in God provides a solid path for me and I am not afraid.

I would like to say that I recognize that my time and experience here has been invaluable to me. Not only have I acquired a new side of knowledge and many new skills, I found the realization that who you work with can make the difference between a good job and a bad job; or any job at all for that matter. The people I work with every day are truly the salt of the earth and honestly have become a second family to me; it is because of them, I believe, that I have been here as long as I have. I hope that senior staff recognizes the work and the personality that the main staff provides on a daily basis.

I admit there are certain existing aspects here that have contributed to my desire to leave, but none of them amount to any kind of influence on me to make such a decision. As I said before, this simply what is right for me. I feel I have achieved my full potential here; I also think that a fresh start with someone new may be good for the staff persons I support. My job has evolved and changed so much since I began; perhaps a person coming with the full knowledge of everything can provide better support, and staff can train and shape that person to their needs. I don’t feel anymore that I can provide the level of attention and detail and focus that they all require; now they have the opportunity to choose someone who can give a better performance than I.

X, you have been a compassionate and kind boss. There are not many who would understand the need to stay home after finding your cat run over in the road. I am also eternally thankful for your non-judgmental and caring approach during my battle with the bipolar and anxiety disorder earlier this spring. I am very grateful for the patience and guidance you have given me during your time here. I hope that you continue to find satisfaction here in your role with the Town.

Y, you have provided solid leadership and understanding, as well. There are few managers who would consider their employees’ health and happiness and work to provide them with undeniably great fringe benefits like the summer hours, our holiday lunches, and the fitness program. From you I have learned that leaders’ decisions do not always make sense at first, but possess that vision that allows them to see what will happen down the road and what the best decision is to provide for that time.

Z, you are a beautiful and loving person and a true child of God. You are lucky to have found a calling that you enjoy and a place such as this to provide your talents. I am sorry we didn’t get to spend more time together but you will always be special to me and will certainly keep in touch. Thank you for your patience and your kindness and your Kleenex.

It is with some sadness, some joy, and some excitement for the future that I turn this into you. I pray your support and encouragement to me will continue, as well as your friendship. Thank you for everything, from the very corners of my heart and mind.

Natalie

What I Really Meant to Say..

2006-11-20T14:08:00.000-05:00

geez, over two months since my last entry. I suck, I know, I'm the worst blogger that ever blogged a blog.

Anyway, I'm not dead nor do I even wish to be. I've just been...

um. busy? Ok, not really. I guess I haven't blogged because the things I want to talk about I can't talk about just yet (stay tuned!) BIG, big changes coming.. most of you know what those are either by talking to me or talking about me to someone who talks to me. Say what you will about gossip, it gets the job done.

I'm happy, I'm healthy, I'm confident. I'm about to turn my world upside down and can't wait. But that's another post for another day. And I will probably start a new blog then, too. This one.. I guess I've always felt like I was trying too hard, or I was so bitter and negative and it just hasn't really been me. Or maybe it was the me I was then, who knows.

ANYWAY... my beef today is why is that saying what you want to and being snippy and catty and bitchy NOT the mature thing to do? why can't, for once, you just give in to the urge to be as immature and silly and idiotic as you want to, to give in to the anger and fumes that consume you and really blast the person who has shocked you with an unbelievable level of hypocrisy? I mean, what is the internet FOR other than to completely make fools of ourselves with junior-high level of snottiness and word-flinging? Why do we have to "hold back, because you'll regret it".. I mean sure, I would... probably even the same day.

But it would be so much FUN!!!

Has anyone ever actually done that and not regretted it?

It just ain't in me

2006-10-05T09:46:00.000-05:00

Ok, so I didn't dump her. Instead, I did an experiment in mature human behavior (must be all those magazines I read addressing these types of problems) and kindly confronted her. She fessed up, and that seemed to clear the air and she became more like herself. I made the decision to stay out of what's going on with her, with the exception of some mildly amusing watching-from-the-sidelines. So I feel better.

I don't really trust her enough to confide in her but I'll still talk to her, and hang out with her from time to time. And I guess we'll see what we will see. I just don't have it in me to just cut people off, I suppose. But I'm ok with drifting apart : )

Speaking of kindness, when I got home last night the workers who had had to cut up part of the road in front of my house to work on a sewer line, patched my driveway! They used some of the blacktop to fill in the gap between the road and my gravel drive. It makes for a smooth, superior driveway-leaving and entering experience. I don't know if they just had some left over or if it's because I waved and asked how they were doing, when I went by at lunch to walk the dog, after my doctor's appointment. Either way, I'm very very very happy.

Why I like animals

2006-10-03T08:32:00.000-05:00

I'm having to dump a girlfriend. And it's hard. Because, I always try to believe in people and look for the best in them. And for awhile, I saw that.

Then I started to see inconsistencies. Then I found out about lying. Then I realized the manipulation, the lack of compassion for others, the delight in attention and the inability to deal with anyone else getting any. Then, I could see the total negativity, the snobbiness, and again, the lying. The save-her-ass at the last minute.

I don't hate her. I'd be polite to her. But I don't want to be friends with her anymore. And it's kind of hard. Who wants to dump a friend?? Especially a girlfriend that you've shared stuff with and had fun with and has been there for you somewhat.

It seems like the only people I can really rely on these days are far away or I don't even know except through blogger. Maybe because I see all their thoughts and day to day activities. Because they have no reason to lie or misrepresent. Because they don't think they have to compete with me. I ought to try harder to put links in to their sites so I can pay homage to the ones who make me laugh and keep on going.

Someone else I lost recently told me once, in a fit of anger over my mental illness (I admit I was in pretty pathetic shape), "You drive people away from you."

Considering that most of my good good friends are long distance, and boys talk to me but never ask me out, sometimes I wonder if that's true. I know that it isn't - I know that I'm a good person, I'm just very different. And I'm ok with that, I like belonging to the different crowd that might seem just below the others but they are real people and they are fun and interesting. But I've got to accept that I operate on that plane and not the mechanical one above it, and I have to start living my life on that different level so that I will really love and embrace it, and it will love and embrace me and I won't ever drive people away.

Incidentally, that same person once told me that of all the people he'd ever met, I had the most beautiful soul.

Yesterday at twilight I walked off into the sunset with someone I know really loves me and always wants me around. I think it matters not that he was on a leash and had just thrown up a bunch of berries that he ate while I wasn't looking. Love is love.

Best Wishes & Congratulations!

2006-09-25T08:35:00.000-05:00

Congratulations to the Blonde family on their newest, adorable arrival! And not to be crass, Aughra but your boobs look like they are about to take over the world (not saying that is a BAD thing..)! They didn't look that big before you gave birth. Anyway, good job on the Rock.

Also Best Wishes and early Congratulations to Avery's mom, who as of today will be Avery and Benjamin's mom! Don't worry, everything will be just fine - glad you have your family there to help. Your boobs are impressive as well.

And congratulations to Sarah, who temporarily made it back below the Mason-Dixon line. We missed you! Enjoy your trip. (Should I compliment your boobs?)

blogaphobe

2006-09-25T08:25:00.000-05:00

I think I discovered a new disease, blogaphobia. Or maybe blogambivalence. Here's my problem: when I'm at home or driving or out and about I think of clever, interesting blog entries. When I am actually in front of the computer, I got nothing. I blame part of this on not having a digital camera - if I could take photos to illustrate my stories or to make a story (see below) then it'd be easier. Unfortunately, I also have a slight fear of digital cameras or rather my probable inability to operate one.

The other part of me thinks no one wants to hear my sob stories or I feel like I'm being dramatic. So what if my weekend consisted of an official breakup a long time coming, my slight crush turning out to have a girlfriend, a day of wallowing, going to a church I like and staying for a young-adults cookout where every other person in it was married? Seriously - I sat with three married couples, most of them getting their MBAs at Duke or Carolina. Still, I was glad I made myself do it. And who cares that my mower, my sweet precious Deere, got a flat tire near the road and I had to leave it there and I probably ruined the rim since I couldn't figure out why the mower wouldn't go and kept trying to make it and then I bothered to look down and SEE. I also went thru my clothes and filled seven bags for the Vietnam Vets Association to pick up, and put some different storage furniture in my bathroom and hung the mirror instead of having it propped on a shelf that I always almost hit my head on when I brush my teeth. So, at least the bathroom looks good. Apparently when life goes downhill a bit, I rearrange and redecorate.

I did, however, get to hang with the girls of S&TC again, since I rented some dvd's of season six. It gave me hope.

So, what's the cure for blogaphobia? Quit being so self-conscious, maybe? Happy Monday to everybody!

Please, anything but this

2006-09-12T07:31:00.000-05:00

Last night I was waiting on some prescriptions to be filled, wandering around the store. Naturally I looked at the clothes, to see if I could find some squashed hidden item on the clearance rack for three or four dollars that I might like. And then I saw them.

Jeans, straight leg, with a zipper on the bottom of each leg.

Why is all this ugly shit that nobody looks good in coming back in style? I refuse to participate. I will not tight-roll my jeans, or knot my t-shirt or wear a belt that can double as a big plastic banner. I won't build big bangs or wear anything high-waisted and really, I promise you, I don't look so good in leggings.

There are two things I'd probably do: buy a pair of Jellies and crimp my hair.

I love 80's music but seriously, let's skip the fashion resurrection.

The hills are alive, with the sound of My God you're delusional

2006-09-08T17:24:00.000-05:00

I was just emailing with my cousin - we've been discussing, of course, men. I said something about not liking guys who are actually really nice to us and she said:

The assholes, how we love them so. I blame Harrison Ford. Han Solo and Indiana Jones, the eternally inaccessible smartasses.

I responded back while simultaneously being hit with a lightning bolt. I said "Don't forget Captain Von Trapp! The frostiest and smarmiest of them all, and he melts into a singing, waltzing love-god who escapes the Nazis, to boot."

That is when I realized that my entire view of love and it's challenges is probably extremely warped from watching "The Sound of Music" every year as a kid. Have faith, be cute and kind and sing and get other people to sing and whammo - you snatch that hot guy right out from under the Baroness' nose! Hah!

What else warped us as we were growing up? I'd have to say the marriages in the "Little House" books (not the TV show) probably threw me up into the clouds, too. Ma and Pa Ingalls, Laura and Almanzo. The women was dee boss! You just don't see many guys around these days, though, stretching bear skins and smoothing wooden planks with their ax.

I was going to say I've lost touch with reality but come to think of it, I don't think I've EVER been anywhere near it!

Look, I left the house

2006-08-29T12:32:00.000-05:00

Me and some buddies on Saturday night. Like I told my best-friend cousins, it feels good to see a picture of myself and not cringe. I know that sounds horrible and like I have no self-esteem, but I used to weigh 175 pounds and had very short hair. Now, I like short hair on women and some liked it on me. But I do feel prettier with longer hair. I still want to lose some more weight and I'd like for my forehead to not have that weird v-shaped vein but what can you do? Regardless, like I said, it's nice to see a picture of myself taken impromptu without cringing and hoping it gets lost.

The Simple Life

2006-08-22T07:36:00.001-05:00

Now that I'm all mentally stable, and can actually observe and think and remember - I mean, it's really fascinating how my memory is coming back. I will be talking making conversation and all of a sudden something I didn't know I remembered will come back. It's fun (mostly)!

Anyway - now that I can DO all those things again I'm able to sort through the different layers of life and see them for what they are instead of what I perceived them to be through a cloud of mania and defensiveness. Not that I'm old or anything, but now that I'm getting older I really appreciate the very simple things in life, or rather the way they make me feel. I've always been pretty down to earth but now - I don't know how to explain it, it's just now I really grasp what I enjoy, and not just because I don't have any money to do anything else. I like going outside and getting sweaty and dirty, and then taking a hot shower and getting all clean. It makes me feel like I'm a little kid again. I like going for walks and watching the sunset and baking. I like my hot cup of coffee in the morning. I like singing and art and writing and here's the best thing - I no longer feel like I have to be The World's Best at those things to do them. Before, it was like I thought.. "Well, I'm not fantastic at this, this or this so I'm just going to tuck it away because there's no point." What a lame way to think! Who cares if I'm great at it or not, it's part of what makes me, me.

I realize that my job doesn't define who I am or say that I'm a loser because it's not what I want to do. It's just something to pay the bills and I need to do it well and get there every day. I realize that I like for my house to be clean but that it's no big deal if it isn't. I realize that I really don't feel good or enjoy my time if I'm sleeping so much. I realize I don't need as much sleep as I was getting - and that Saturdays are a lot more fun spent doing anything, as long as there's a nap thrown in there somewhere. Hey, napping is part of who I am too! And I realize that maybe some mistakes I made or things I felt bad about, I did the right thing after all.

But I do still wish I could win the lottery.

How to Win Friends and Influence People

2006-08-22T07:36:00.000-05:00

Bring bagels and cream cheese to work on a rainy Tuesday morning!

Oh, baby baby!

2006-08-17T11:32:00.000-05:00

No, I'm not pregnant. I'm just running out of things to blog about. I was thinking last night how I like it when people call me baby.

A lot of women don't like it and I can see why. But I love it - I love it if a guy I'm dating calls me that, or my dad calls me that, or sweet older black women in the store call me that. It makes me want to snuggle up to them and listen to stories. It makes me feel safe and loved and cute and that people want to take care of me. I can take care of myself, but sometimes it is nice to be taken care of, you know? And it's a vague term, a widely-used nickname. It's in every other country song.. but it still sounds individualized when someone uses it, for reasons I can't really pinpoint.

What's your feeling on it? Do you like it or hate it or it depends on the person or what?

Happy Birthday, Baby Girl

2006-08-14T08:39:00.000-05:00

Today is my niece's birthday and she is fifteen. It breaks my heart. She's my sister's first child and I helped raise her, even though I was 13 when she was born. She's always been a wonderful kid and she is sweeter and kinder than ever, not to mention extremely cute. She's quite fashionable, and loves belts and jewelry and comes up with the neatest outfits. She is smart and caring and a million times better than me. I remember when she started school, in her little red plaid dress. And I cried. And now she's a sophomore in high school and getting her learner's permit! Where does the time go?

Happy Birthday, Jesslyn, and thank you for 15 years of joy. May there be many more to come!

Grassroots Campaign

2006-08-01T08:43:00.000-05:00

I'm pretty certain that anti-depressants are simply FDA-approved forms of crack squashed into a neat little white pill. Here's why:

Yesterday I woke up at 5:30 a.m. and couldn't go back to sleep. I had a full, busy day at work and software training (and I stayed alert) but still made it to the gym to exercise at lunch. I had to take some work home with me because the day was so frenzied I didn't get to work on the minutes. Still, I needed a break from work before starting on that. So I washed the dishes, played with the dog, cleaned out and scrubbed my refrigerator, swept the kitchen floor and took all the garbage out. I also used up two bottles of Round-Up on all the weeds and grass the mower can't get to. After a few phone calls I was pretty much ready for bed, so I just went to sleep and got up at 5:30 this morning to work on the minutes. Who IS this person?

Going back to the Round-Up for a minute.. my yard is huge and there are many places that the mower can't get to and I haven't bought a weedeater yet. I did buy a nifty little hand tool that will cut branches and things and has grass shears but my knees are getting old... anyway, my mother had used some Round-Up on poison ivy while she was here, and also went out and bought five more bottles of it for me. I decided that really, I don't need grass under and around the swing.. or by the deck.. or under my grape arbor.. so I got to spraying. Pretty easy and satisfactory work - normally I appreciate the rough beauty of nature untamed but even the best of tree-huggers like me gets to a point where you say, "That looks like crap." I'd like to say I feel badly about spraying poison on innocent grass and weeds but I don't. I hope when I get home today everything is nice and dead and shriveled up.

Unfortunately when I stopped I realized that I'd forgotten to douse myself in Off! and there were chunks of flesh missing from my legs due to mosquitoes. How could I have forgotten that? Ever since I can remember, you didn't go outside in the summertime without being doused in Off! When I was a kid and all us cousins and aunts met up at our grandparents' home, there was a can in every room and two or three outside. You couldn't step foot out the door without being sprayed down and we'd have to re-spray each other while playing outside, too. I'm surprised they didn't just set up a sprinkler system to spray us when we got out of bed. If you think the skeeters are bad where you are, go visit the Mississippi pine belt/delta area. You'll think that pterodactyls have made a comeback, but it's just the mosquitoes. Anyway, I couldn't believe I'd forgotten to put on my coat of Off! before going out to do yardwork.

I feel like I violated my heritage.

Owner of a Lonely Heart

2006-07-27T06:55:00.000-05:00

This morning I had an email from my buddy Chip in response to yesterday's shocking announcement from Lance Bass:

After all the Friday nights we spent making out, Lance NEVER mentioned to me that he was gay. I am more than a little hurt.

He never fails to reach into me and yank out that good hard laugh that's waiting inside me to be brought out.

Whoda thunk it?

2006-07-26T11:26:00.000-05:00

All right, show of hands.. who's actually surprised?

http://www.wral.com/entertainment/9577902/detail.html

Special girl, special day

2006-07-25T09:01:00.000-05:00

Happy Birthday, Moriah!

Quirks

2006-07-25T08:55:00.000-05:00

I will do just about anything to procrastinate doing procurement card statements so here I am. For some reason lately I've been noticing - and appreciating - my own quirks and hey, what's a blog for if not to talk about yourself?

Some quirky things about me:

I like words better than numbers

I love to be on stage, but hate going to, say, a new church, for the first time. (Sarah, please check the comma placement in that sentence!)

I drive worse when someone is in the car with me.

I'm a thinker, not a do-er.

I like bland boring foods - oatmeal, shredded wheat, whole wheat bread.

I would give my dog one of my kidneys if he needed it (unfortunately I had to sell it to buy some gasoline).

I procrastinate.

Charter Member

2006-07-20T15:30:00.000-05:00

*Some* people say I'm negative. They don't realize I'm really an exclusive member:

Important Decisions

2006-07-20T15:14:00.000-05:00

It's a little after four, and one of my friends who works a few miles away said a little while ago that it was pouring down rain there. It isn't raining here, although it has gotten overcast and cloudy.

My windows are halfway down, because it's July in the South and we're in the seventh level of hell for humidity and heat. If it's going to rain, I need to put them up. But if I go put them up and it doesn't rain, then my car will be a lung-sucking heat oven when I get it at the end of the day. If I wait till it starts raining, I'll be busy doing something and not notice.

What's a girl to do???

After a while you learn to read the signs

2006-07-18T11:09:00.000-05:00

I'm hungry, but food seems like too much effort to find or obtain.

I'm lonely, but I don't really want anyone around.

I want to get things done, yet have no focus or motivation.

I feel guilty for feeling all these things when I have so much to be thankful for.

Looks like it might be about time to increase the medications.

Withdrawals

2006-07-17T16:20:00.000-05:00

I forgot to mention that I can't wear eye makeup for a week. Now, I'm not Tammy Faye or anything but I admit that I'm addicted to, at the very least, that accentuating line of black-brown eyeliner and a sweep of black mascara (even though I AM gifted with long thick lashes). I also usually use a bronzey brown shadow, perfect for simple summer makeup.

That, a tad of light foundation, and lipstick or lipgloss is all I wear. Lipstick, I have to have. I don't know why, but it's my must-have makeup item. So at least I have that.

I didn't realize how addicted I was to the eye makeup. It was totally worth it, but I'm still having the urge to go gently pull the corner of my eye out and swipe that line on. My sister said this requirement alone would keep her from getting it done.

This is my new addiction.

A Visionary, I am

2006-07-17T09:36:00.000-05:00

How could I have been sad about losing contacts or glasses? How could I have thought that being nearly blind and putting tiny plastic films in my eyes every morning and prying them off every night DEFINED me?

I'll sum it up this way - Lasik is the best thing to happen to the human race since air-conditioning. The whole procedure was fascinating, thrilling, and the results would have moved me to tears if I'd been able to cry. I wish I had asked to her to remove my tear ducts so I'd quit crying when I get mad. I always think of these things too late.

I'm still adjusting to being able to SEE. I still think I have to take my contacts out every night. I can't get over the thrill of waking up and seeing the clock instead of taking a guess at the numbers based on their blurry shapes. My parents are actually sick of hearing me gush thank-yous to them for giving me this gift.

Here's what actually happened during the procedure and then post-recovery:

After they checked my eyes a final time, I was taken to a little waiting room and given a hair cap and some gauze over my ears so the drops wouldn't run into them. One of the techs went over with me how and when to use my drops and when to put the goggles on (and sunglasses). She came back in a little while and told me to go ahead and take the Valium. I went back into the room and met the surgeon and she did a quick exam, and then I got on the table and a tech put numbing drops in my eyes. That is when I started to get scared but I tried to relax and it seemed like I could feel the V taking effect a little bit. I tried to focus on breathing, and she kept reminding me to do that. They put tape over one eye and she began on the other one. I remember a suction cup type thingy that I guess held my eye open - and I felt like I could still blink, which was a relief. I was worried about not blinking. Then there was a metal ring thing that pulled my lower lid down and held that into place. I had to focus on a light above me, and for a few seconds (She told me it was coming) I actually went blind! Then the vision came back, albeit blurry, and I had to focus on these starburst types of lights, red and green. It felt like being in an alien experiment. The weird thing is I couldn't really feel anything but I could tell what she was doing - like when she pulled the flap back that she'd made, or put it back in the place. The laser smelled horrible - I was nauseous afterwards it smelled so bad. She swore it wasn't my flesh being seared, something about the laser having to oxidize. Then she did the other one.

Guess what I talked to her about during the process? Blogging. When she told me I was an excellent patient and easy to do surgery on, I told her I was trying to remember every detail so I could blog about it. The tech and I had to tell her what blogging was! So she got to learn something too. Next thing I knew the tech was counting down "4, 3, 2, 1" and we were done. The only thing that hurt was when she ripped the tape off my face that was holding the suction device on there. I asked her to do my brows while she was at it. Then they put some more drops in my eyes, the doctor looked at them through a machine and bid me on my way.

I walked into the waiting room wearing sunglasses and a huge grin and sat down. Everyone kind of looked at me so I told them about it and I think it eased people's nerves a bit. On the way home Mama kept telling me to keep my eyes closed but I couldn't because I was seeing! (through a gummy haze of drops, but still…) I really wanted to cry from happiness.

By the time I got home I was feeling the Valium, but it wasn't enough to get me to sleep because the burning and grittiness had started. At this point I couldn't stand to keep my eyes open any longer. I decided that the smells and sounds had all been for show, and really all that woman had done was drop Clorox in my eyes. I took two Xanax to help out the Valium a bit, slid on my goggles and went to sleep.

Two hours later I woke up, and it hurt to open my eyes but the more I did, the easier it was and I could see! I walked around the house looking at everything. Then they started to hurt again, so I put my first dose of drops in - one anti-inflammatory and one antibiotic - popped the second valium and had a wonderful night's sleep. The left eye felt perfect - the right one had a bit of irritation in it, like an eyelash or a piece of dirt. I was told to expect that. I had my post-op exam that morning and everything was fine - there was a bit more residual swelling in that right eye than the left but the doctor said it should subside by Sunday and it did, and to use my rewetting drops more often than they initially told me. He wouldn't give me any more Valium.

I still can't believe I don't have my contacts in. I keep thinking at bedtime I have to go take them out! I keep thinking I have them in - it really hasn't sunk in yet, how FREE I am now!

If you are thinking of having it done, run, don't walk, to a good center and get it done. Do it on a Friday afternoon like I did and you'll be fine for work on Monday.

Thank you so much for all your sweet comments and well-wishes!

The End of an Era

2006-07-14T08:12:00.000-05:00

Today is the day that I (hopefully) say goodbye to contacts and glasses. I've been so excited about it, and I still am. I'm not one bit nervous. But here's the weird thing: I'm a little bit sad.

I don't know if this will make any sense or not. I've always kind of had trouble identifying exactly who I am or what I'm meant to do, etc. Having bad vision, and requiring sight aids is one of the few obvious things that I felt defined me. Hi, I'm Natalie, and I'm practically blind! It was almost a sense of pride just how blurry everything was without glasses or contacts. Today, I lose that definition.

I realize it's a great thing to do and I know I won't regret it at all. It just feels a bit odd - like I'm losing part of myself. Tampering with things. But I'm trying to look at it this way - I'm beginning to shed the negative definitions and find (or improve) the positive ones. Having great vision will be one less thing to worry about - clearing up space in mind for other, more important worries.

Everyone has been so sweet! Yesterday and today I've gotten so many emails from family (Aunties Melody and Gay) and cousins/best friends (Sarah, Lydia, Moriah) and friends (Susan, Janine, Jill, John, Candace, if I left anyone out I'm sorry) wishing me luck, telling me how happy they are for me, co-workers who can't wait to hear about it on Monday. I'm a lucky, loved girl.

I'll be filing a report first thing on Monday! Tomorrow morning when I wake up from a sweet, Valium-induced coma, I should be able to see the clock.

If you are also helpless to the need of vision enhancing materials, that last sentence probably made you cry.

Important Poll

2006-07-13T14:48:00.000-05:00

Ok, girls, I need your help. I'm kind of taking this whole Lasik thing as a fresh start, a chance for a bit of a makeover. I plan to start exercising again and so forth.

What I want to know is - what kind of shampoo/conditioner do you use? Everyone else seems to have shiny, silky looking hair. My hair is thick and coarse - its naturally wavy and will curl too. The only time I've seen it straight and silky is if someone else blow-dried it out or when I put a straightener in. I don't mind the waviness so much - but I'd like it to look and feel softer and shinier.

What's your favorite product?

I suppose nothing works perfectly..

2006-07-12T08:16:00.000-05:00

I love my medications but oddly enough, I still hate certain people (that I have to work with).

Oh well. And it seems drinking heavily is out for me now, so I just don't know what I'll do!

I Knew I Forgot Something

2006-07-11T07:29:00.000-05:00

I'm having Lasik surgery on Friday afternoon! I found out this past Friday that I'm an excellent candidate, and my parents are treating me to it. I'm still a bit in awe, and I can't really imagine what it's going to be like. Remember when you were little, and you asked for something for Christmas -and you were pretty sure you'd get it and what life would be like once you did, but you couldn't be sure - that is how I feel.

I started wearing glasses in the third grade so I could see the board. I finally got contacts in the eighth grade. And now, I might not have to wear anything at all! I'm hoping and praying I get 20/20 but if I have to wear a light prescription or glasses at night, I'll still take it. I'm so tired of not being able to see - and I have to wonder about the effects it might have on my depressive states. If I wake up and I can see, instead of everything being a hazy blur and I have to do that extra step of putting in contacts or finding my glasses - I mean, I really can't imagine it!

Here's the deal: Friday I get off work at noon (yay, summer schedule) and will go home and get my mother. Since my sister and her four children are supposed to arrive by then for a short visit, she'll probably be more than ready. I take my unopened Rxs for Valium (yay, Valium) and eye drops with me and they will tell me when to take the Vitamin V. Entire procedure should take less than 10 minutes but they will keep me there longer than that. Post-op orders are to go home and take a nap. Finally, instructions I can follow! I go back the next morning for an exam, then one or two weeks later for another. We went ahead and got the "Lifetime Warranty" (Random thought: do coffins come with lifetime warranties? and if so, whose lifetime is it based on?) so any exams or re-do's are free for the rest of my life.

I have to wonder if I'm guaranteeing that I'll get hit by a bus about a week after this. I'm thinking maybe I canceled out the ironic possibilities since I bought a year's worth of contacts two months ago.

I can't wait!!

P.S. In addition to not having a shower this morning, I also left my cash and cell phone at home. Go, me.

Tuesday

2006-07-11T07:21:00.000-05:00

Well, let's see.. I didn't have time for a shower this morning so I feel gross and I was still late. I need to go home today and get a nap - I'm a bit behind on sleep. I normally like to get 8 or 9 hours a night and I've been averaging six. But, I leave early for a follow-up with the psych (things are going well) so I'll be home a little earlier than usual.

Mama is still here - I'm finally adjusting to having her here and enjoying it more. I'm learning sloooooooowly to give up trying to control every situation and thinking things can't possibly go right if I'm not around.

Yesterday evening I got home and she'd bleached the bathtub which was terrific (and washed the shower curtain, too!) but the smell was overwhelming. So I told her to get dressed and we'd go pick up her refills at the Supercenter and let the house air out. I cranked open the windows in the laundry area (I love those old windows that crank open). I knew what she was thinking so I said, "I'm not worried about somebody breaking in. With this smell, they couldn't possibly stay long enough to take anything."

Also, Red had come over while I was at work and fixed my mower. Again, I had to let go of control, since I wouldn't be there. Next thing I heard - two hours later - was that he was mowing. Not only did he fix the mower but he mowed the entire lawn! Then, he rang us up while we were at Wal-Mart and invited us over for dinner. Major brownie points.

I can't wait to go home and take a shower and go to bed!

4th of July

2006-07-05T08:05:00.000-05:00

Happy belated 4th.. hope everyone had a nice one! I had a pretty good day... I'm still struggling with the whole "not worrying about everyone" thing, but I've noticed that our good friend Al Kohol is extremely helpful in achieving emotional mellowness.

In other words, I got trashed in front of my mother. It was just me, her, and Red - that's the blog-name i'm assigning to the BF. He's the same one from this past winter, only about a hundred times better. Anyway... he came over and we started with some shrimp cocktail (and wine) and then put squash, zucchini and steaks on the grill. Red switched to beer and Mama switched to iced tea so I finished their wine for them. Mama made a great salad with spinach leaves, radishes, cherry tomatoes and a homemade oil & vinegar dressing. I mean, look at us - we sound like something out of a magazine! I continued with the wine for a bit. Then I made some coffee, but since it was a special occasion, I added some Bailey's to it.

I vaguely remember long conversations, but I don't remember what they were about. I remember the Use of Brick being the best building material choice for houses ("But I want a wrap around porch" says I)

I'm not TERRIBLY hungover today but I don't feel great. I'm pretty sure my mother was amused, as I suspect this morning when I told her good-bye she was smirking when she told me to drink a lot of water this morning.

Oh no... I just remembered my heartfelt speech about helping homeless people. My head is starting to hurt more, so I'm going to wince my way over to some coffee.

I hope your holiday was not quite as festive as mine.

Signs and omens

2006-07-03T10:03:00.000-05:00

This past Thursday, I was mowing the yard when I decided to try to get up under the scuppernong vine trellis and cut some of the growth, as I have done several times before. The blade hit a hidden thick rusty wire, part of which flew up and hit the knuckles of my first two fingers on my right hand. And of course, the blade refuses to work. My knuckle is still swollen and bruised.

Saturday, I vacuumed and straightened up and dusted. I was dusting the top of the TV (moved all the candles and everything) and was trying to peel off one of those little foil circles that are on the bottoms of candles and get stuck to surfaces. There was a tiny shard of glass leftover from a broken candle holder, and I sliced my thumb open on it.

I am taking these to be signs from above that truly, I am not meant for this type of tedious chore-doing, and the universe prefer I be lying on my bed under the fan, reading or sleeping.

Church Sign

2006-06-23T07:41:00.000-05:00

I either love those sayings churches put on signs or hate them. This morning I saw one that just made me stop and think.

"Worry makes a big shadow for a small thing" (I think that is how it was worded)

So when I worry needlessly, I am casting myself into darkness?

That makes a lot of sense, when you think of it that way. I am worrying and casting myself into darkness, and you can't find a solution in the dark. So therefore worrying doesn't result in anything other than flipping out.

I'm pretty sure I've been told that before, but sometimes it takes these things awhile to sink in.

I miss my spirituality I used to have. I am ready to seek it out again, but in a very personal way that simply works for me. So it may be a combination of things. But I must eliminate the worry.

Crazy Monkey Dance of Life

2006-06-23T07:09:00.000-05:00

I don't know why but on my way to work this morning, I was suddenly inspired for several blog entries (other than how bad I feel, what meds I'm on, etc) and of course now that I'm at work, my brain has gone into shut-down-and-survive mode and I feel not an ounce of creativity. I still remember two.. and after an email I got this morning I'm hesitant to write this one, out of respect, but I'm still going to because it's just such a weird spiderweb example of how goofy life is.

Back in the fall of 1990, I was 12 years old and the world was showing me how sweet life could be. I was in the seventh grade, and I'd made the junior high cheerleading squad. My parents were getting along, I was tiny and cute and though not necessarily accepted by the popular crowd, I was at least tolerated and therefore life in school was not bad at all. After football season started, a cute sweet guy in the 9th grade (he was older!) started talking to me. I mean, boys didn't talk to me before that. They talked to Jennifer Edington or Allyson Lloyd and girls like that. I didn't really know what to do but I guess the natural flirt in me came out and I managed to talk back when he did speak to me. We began talking a little more and then hanging out together at recess. And, I'm sorry, but in Vardaman High School, being together at recess is serious business. He would talk to me on the sidelines of the games when he wasn't on the field. We started writing notes to each other that we'd pass on in the hallways, both of us having had memorized each other's schedules. We were going together, and on the day we got of school for Christmas break, the day before my birthday, he gave me my first kiss. When he broke up with me the following summer, I thought I would die from the hurt. I didn't get over him for two years.

That next school year EVERYTHING went wrong, but that's a whole 'nother story. This is all about how weird things are.

Fast forward to the 10th grade, when he's a senior, and he starts dating my best friend - or rather, the girl who'd been my best friend since first grade and then kind of dumped me over and over during school. She had dated his best friend a couple years before (ah, small town life!). I don't think I mentioned that we were ALL taught throughout school by both his parents and an aunt and uncle. Fast forward to a couple years ago, when he and I got back in touch and thought, thrillingly, that things would fall back into place and for a few weeks they did. He was just as smart and sweet as I remembered. But it just wasn't right for us. I thought he hated me. I sent him a birthday card and never heard anything. But when mine came around, I got a card, too. So I knew it was all ok.

Fast forward to just a few weeks ago when I was shocked to see a very kind and encouraging comment on my blog from him. So naturally I went to HIS blog and checked it a couple times over the next week for updates. No updates, but there was another comment aside from mine on his initial post. I won't link her because she's in a precarious situation and doesn't need publicity. It was this cute redheaded girl who lives in Vardaman and I started reading her blog. Oh, she just reminded me so much of myself when I was 16. Reading her blog was like reading my old journal entries. Except that she's got her shit together a whole lot better than I ever did. She talked about her family and God and her boyfriend, whose name she never mentioned. But I pieced it together almost immediately... it was him! At first I was like "Dear God what can they be thinking...he's 30, she's 16!" Her parents know, and accept it. His do not. I cannot believe they managed to keep it a secret for nearly a year now. And she had posted on her blog about being upset because he commented on mine. I didn't blame her, so I left her some comments to let her know not to worry. One thing led to another and we began emailing each other! She was so cool and funny - she's got that youthful freedom about her, yet at the same time she is so mature it was like talking to one of my regular girlfriends. She felt guilty (I'm trying to quit) but because Vardaman is such a suck-ass place to live, she was a bit lonely for female companionship. It was odd because I liked talking to her, yet at the same time I'm wishing she could meet up with my 15 year old niece because they'd get along so well.

I mean, what an odd cycle. But that is life for you.

But this morning, I got an email from her saying she was very sorry, but she just felt too guilty about talking to me, knowing he had asked her not to (though I am not sure why he did that) and that because she loved him, she just couldn't talk to me until he was ok with that.

I admit the disappointment caught me by surprise, poking me in the throat. But I understood, and I told her so - and that when she needs me, I'll be here. I just hope things continue to work out for them and that they will be happy. And honey, if he hurts you, I'll come and help you hide the body. That's what friends are for.

A Special Day!

2006-06-22T12:48:00.000-05:00

Happy Birthday, Sarah!

Note to Self:

2006-06-21T13:04:00.000-05:00

Stop venting on blogger - nobody wants to read all that whiny crap!

See? i'm feeling better, more upbeat. WTF? I'm trying to record all this in case the meds are making things worse. I love my mother and just want her to feel good, even if she doesn't make it up here.

I suck at life right now, and it's bothering me. I want to feel good and have fun!

Getting ill

2006-06-21T09:55:00.000-05:00

I felt good this morning, after feeling horrible last night but now I'm getting ill again. I just want everybody to be quiet and that makes me feel horrible too. People should be entitled to talk and laugh and pick, right? It's not their fault every little thing gets under my skin.

Just shut up! Please!

Last night something happened that felt good and irritated me all at the same time. I was simultaneously worrying about my mother (who is also depressed and can't leave the house) and pissed and hurt that she can't make it up here to me after telling her two weeks ago in tears that I needed her. I wanted to text my sister, who blew up at her and set off the depression, "at least she will get out of bed for you". It brought back a flood of memories of anger and bewilderment and frustration that Mama couldn't get out of bed. The responsibilities that I had (and my sister) to help keep our house going, doing my own laundry when I was in the 3rd grade. Making childish efforts at preparing balanced meals and quietly staying at home during the summer days, because she couldn't take me to the pool. For the longest time I've said "oh, i know what it was like for her, and why she couldn't do anything" and I do. So of course I feel bad for feeling angry but for a little while I just let myself be mad and hurt. That it set in me a lifetime of a need to fix everything, make everything better, make sure everyone is happy and ok. That I feel responsible for everything around me and can't seem to be able to really relate to people.

I guess it's my own fault for living so far away but sometimes I feel like I'm being punished. "you're having a hard time? well, you choose to live there so if you're alone, that's too bad." I know that isn't the case. I'm so oversensitive right now, anything sets me off. Why am I so irritable? Am I getting worse, instead of better?

Mama told me a few years back that when I was little, I would complain about people wanting to talk to me, or touch my clothes or hair and that I didn't like it. Touch I don't mind - but I do find that I feel sometimes that everyone wants to know everything I'm doing. Like at work. I hate fixing something to eat because every person you see wants to know what it is, where'd you get that, that looks good, did you bring me some? I know that sounds so mean - they are just being nice and are being friendly. But it makes me self conscious. And I feel recently when I go out in public, everyone asks ME for directions or where the dressing room is, or what do I think of the new landscaping or what's my dog's name?

It's odd because I love the stage and theatre and attention from those closest to me. I just want the general public to be quiet and leave me alone. And I don't want to be one of those people who immerse themselves in a childhood come and gone instead of living in the day.

I'm just so tired of feeling responsible for everyone, for walking a tightrope and trying to placate at all times. I don't even want to plan social things because, what if people don't get along? What if someone doesn't have a good time? I can't handle anything right now it seems - nitpicking, teasing, complaints, criticism.

I didn't mean to go off on all that, I'm sorry. I just want my office mates to be quiet and you see what all comes out?

See?

2006-06-20T08:59:00.000-05:00

I told y'all you could do it.

YEAH!!!!!!

Let's Go Canes!

2006-06-19T16:18:00.000-05:00

Yes, you played like a bunch of junior high kids the other night. Or a grannies' league. But you were just tired. And up in Canada, eh?

Now you are back home. Now, you have your fans to yell for you inside your sold-out center and in bars and homes all across the Triangle. Now, you have your chance to pull everything you have out for 3 twenty-minute periods, and be the first team in our franchise history to win the Stanley Cup.

You got your red butts kicked the other night, but we still believe you can do it. We really do.

So, go kick some Oiler ass!

GO CANES!!!

Musn't Brag

2006-06-19T09:05:00.000-05:00

Ok, I shouldn't have bragged. Now, I do still feel better than I did this time last week. Thursday afternoon and Friday I had that terrific high and then by Friday night and all weekend I really didn't care much about anything, or doing anything. Even the thought of having to shower annoyed me.

I'm at work, I'm wearing makeup and cute clothes, and I'm getting things done. It's enough.

Dang, keep getting interrupted.. more later.

Blinking from the sunshine

2006-06-16T07:05:00.000-05:00

Well, I'm back. I managed once again to crawl out of the cavern, rip off the yoke, break through the darkness etc. etc.

This weekend I crashed, from being off the Wellbutrin Xl. Crashed bad. I was at the beach visiting a dear friend and was doing ok and having a nice time. Saturday night I had a panic attack after I went to bed. The next morning I was ok, a little groggy from all the Xanax I gulped down but Ok. We went shopping and hit a sale at JC Penney's, where I found an adorable handbag and 3 bathing suits that actually look terrific on me. A huge change from last year when I was oh, 30 pounds heavier? I can't "weight" till I shed these last 15 or 20, but I still feel pretty hot mama-ish. I could tell, though, I wasn't feeling good. And people kept coming up to me to talk to me - to ask me things like where the fitting room was or did I see another size in that bottom piece. At one point I pointed to a saleslady who was two feet away and said "perhaps she knows?" I mean seriously.

It was on the drive home when things got bad, and they didn't improve much from that point on. Monday morning I came in to work, zombied and crying, to put in for a few days off and change my voice mail and email response so all that wouldn't pile up too bad. Then I called my psych's nurse to leave a message asking to get in that day and went home and crashed. They got me in at one, and I managed to get there, she agreed i should get back on the Wellbutrin XL and wrote me a prescription, I went to get something to eat then went home and crashed again. I made it to Wal-Mart that night to get my prescription and then pretty much spent the next two days in bed.

Yesterday I still felt like warmed-over shit, but I came in to work. I struggled all morning. I managed not to cry when my boss asked if I was ok, and that everyone was behind me in my efforts. At lunchtime, or after rather, I decided maybe eating something would make me feel better even though I had zero appetite. I was going to go to Taco Bell since I'm pretty sure they put drugs in their food to make it addictive but then I thought I'd go to the grocery store and get a salad. I was feeling more and more spacy, separated, insane. When I got to the parking lot and saw those nice normal people walking, I broke down. I parked my car and cried because I was so tired of fighting this fight. I was so scared that I will never have a "normal" life - marriage (if I decide to go there again), kids, etc. I wanted to just let go and be crazy and be done with it. I called Someone who, though kind, didn't exactly say what i wanted to hear. But it was still calming.

I walked into the store, up to the salad bar, turned around and went back out and to work.

About an hour later, I started to feel pretty good. I called and scheduled a massage for after work. I kept feeling more and more like myself. But I still felt broken - my whole body ached like I'd literally been at war, like my very skin and bones were pulled and torn from the struggle.

The massage itself deserves its own entry which I might get to later, but it literally felt like a rebirth. I felt like a new person. I went and picked up Tigger at Ken's house and went home and texted my parents that the sun had broken through that afternoon, so to speak. And that I still suspect Wellbutrin is crack in patent pill form, but whatever.

It felt so good to feel like me again. I still feel good today. I'm going to try to replace bad habits with good habits. I'm going to do more things that I enjoy and take care of myself more. I'm going to do everything I can to remember that no matter how dark it gets, no matter how badly it hurts, no matter how far from the world I feel, that I can fight it.

I had some major support through all of this, too. You all know who you are, and you were warriors with me and I'm too grateful to speak.

I'm better. I'm better. I'm better.

Weekend Getaway

2006-06-09T10:28:00.000-05:00

I'm going to the beach this weekend.. Calabash, to be exact. A dear friend and former coworker lives down there now and I'm going to see her.

I get off work at noon today because we're on our summer schedule (yay!) I have to pick up my car from the auto center where it's getting the oil changed and all that... pick up a beach chair and suntan lotion... and mow the grass and pack and then I'm on my way.

Sorry to brag, but I neeeeeed this weekend at the beach! And I'll be cheering on the Canes Saturday night regardles... we're up 2-0, after giving the Oilers a 5 to 0 spanking the other night.

Hope you all have a great weekend!

I Hate Work Evaluations

2006-06-07T11:18:00.000-05:00

'nuff said.

Tonight is Game 2 of the Stanley Cup finals - we won the first game and Edmunton did us a nice favor by taking out their own starting goalie for the rest of the series. My friend whom shall remain nameless because he works a high-security job has invited me, our other friend Swade and one other person to his house to watch it on his projection screen TV!

But seriously. If you think school is bad, wait until you get a job and someone that rarely interacts with you and what you do gets to evaluate your performance.

That reminds me - congratulations all you graduates!

How 'Bout Them CANES!!

2006-06-02T07:50:00.000-05:00

They did it! The Hurricanes won 4-2 last night, scoring 2 of those goals in the last period of the game. My experience with the game involved a lot of drama: the sports bar where I went to watch the game with friends lost power with about 12 minutes to go in the last period. There was a loud, collective "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" followed by murmurs and chatter, followed by impatient quiet, followed by people getting up and leaving. Here is what ticked us off: not a single person came to our table to say what was happening, how long the power would be out, how we could pay our bill if we didn't want to wait for the charge card machines to start working, or to apologize. Our waitress disappeared. We waited as long as we could and then put what cash we had on the table and left. I didn't feel bad, because of the extremely tacky way management handled the situation. They just let everybody sit there. Another waitress told me that the whole area was out, but I could look out the window and see lights on at nearby buildings. She lied to me! We couldn't believe it was happening - everybody was on their cell phones, trying to get updates and scores, so when a cheer went up we knew we'd gotten another point and taken the lead. But enough was enough.

A bunch of people were in the parking lot listening to the game on the radio so we joined them, and then the TV's came back on! Everybody rushed back in and just stood near a TV to watch - we went on the patio - and everyone got to see the last two minutes of the game. We got to see that fourth goal and the end of the game. Everyone was screaming and shouting and high-fiving and jumping up and down and hugging strangers. I love watching sports in an atmosphere like that. Everyone loves each other all of a sudden.

We're going to the Stanley Cup! And we're not watching it at the Carolina Ale House!

In the past two days..

2006-06-01T15:41:00.000-05:00

Getting better makes me realize how bad I was. In the past two days a few things have happened that let me see that:

1. Singing along with the radio. And not just murmuring a few words here and there, then becoming exhausted and switching the station. Or crying. But singing, belting with gusto, the way I used to when I felt good.

2. Feelings of hope. Glimpses of the happy future. Self-control.

3. Not crying.

4. Crying for only a few seconds then regaining self control.

5. Desire to treat myself well and live a healthy life.

6. Not crying.

7. Not worrying incessantly

But mostly, that singing along with the radio felt the best. It felt like ME.

Like a Fish Needs a Bicycle

2006-06-01T07:50:00.000-05:00

My daddy bought me a bike this weekend when he was here - I've been wanting one for awhile. I remember I loved to ride my bike when I was a kid and frankly, I need some exercise, especially in the thigh area. And the knee area. I have knee fat. I think my legs are actually really nicely shaped, but that flap of fat hanging over my knee just ruins it for everybody.

Anyway. So I got a bike, just a regular ol' one from Wal-Mart, and a helmet. Daddy said if he finds out I'm not wearing it when I ride he will take the bike away. : )

Last night was the Maiden Voyage. I pedaled down the road I live on and back; not very far, maybe a mile and half to two miles, tops. It's true that you never forget how, but I'm thinking it seemed a whole lot easier and less painful when I was 9. First of all, that seat hurts. Second of all, it's not easy to pedal in a relatively straight line. Third, I am out of shape. Another bicyclist passed me. He had to be 20 years older than me and he PASSED me.

Regardless, I enjoyed the thrill of riding on the highway since I was never ever allowed to do that as a child. Paving rocks.

As you can see, I'm feeling better. I really am! I still get surges of panic or sadness but I can tell. I. Am. Getting. Better.

Happy happy happy! Now all I need is for the Hurricanes to win tonight's final and go to the Stanley Cup.

I'm Not Sick, but I'm Not Well

2006-05-31T07:56:00.000-05:00

I remember when I was growing up asking my mother, when she was lying in bed crippled with depression, "Why don't you feel well?" or "Do you feel better?" I didn't really get why she just couldn't get up, or why she had such trouble going anywhere or doing anything.

Around about the age of 19, I gained some insight into that. I get those questions a lot, and they are always well-meaning, out of concern or a struggle to understand. But I don't know how to answer them.

Why don't I feel well, or why do I feel bad? I don't know. It doesn't make sense that someone whose IQ tests at 146 has to take medicine to get out of bed every day or be able to go to the grocery store. It's just strange that someone who's naturally optimistic, who likes to be happy and have a good time, might find herself crouching in a corner crying and feeling like her insides are being ripped out, for no good reason at all. It stinks that someone who has a good work ethic might wake up one morning and search for a new excuse to call in sick - migraine, upset stomach, fever, because you can't call in and say "I can't seem to break out of the prison of my mind or my house, so I'm just going to stay here and be still until it goes away."

Do I feel better? It all depends on how bad it was before. If I spent a night fighting the urge to go and slice off my hands and now I don't feel that way well then yes, I feel better. But I might still feel sad and lonely and despairing. But then I might just feel very tired one night and the next day I will feel really good. It's a day by day thing. Sometimes, hour by hour.

I told someone in an email yesterday when I told them about my diagnosis: even though it sucks to be Bipolar Girl, it also is forcing me to live one day at a time. So even though that day is a struggle, I'm living that day and not the past or the future. Which means in a very backwards way I'm tasting more of life and living it to a fuller degree than ever before.

I know this is an icky depressing blog entry and I really don't want to turn this blog into some kind of psychotic memoir. I guess it just makes me feel better to think that someone going through this might come across it and know they are not alone.

Fun with P

2006-05-25T10:55:00.000-05:00

Ultrabright aka Avery's mom got me interested in this word game.. you can go to her blog and leave a comment on the post and she will send you a letter. She must have given in to some kind of evyl temptation, because she gave me the letter "P". Let's see if I can resist that same temptation and keep it clean.

1. Paxil - anti-depressant that I was on in college.. thanks to it, I lost all sense of emotion, gained 30 lbs and dropped out of college. When I went off of it, I had night terrors. I wish I'd gotten in on that lawsuit.

2. Peanuts - The cartoon, that is. I still can't get over how educational that comic strip can be. I've learned a lot about sports history and religion from it. And how can it be the holidays without the Charlie Brown specials on TV??

3. Personality - what makes or breaks a person, in my opinion. When someone tells me I have a fantastic personality, I love hearing that a lot more than them telling me that I have great tits. I've seen people who are just drop-dead gorgeous until they open their mouths; and I've seen average looking people who become endearing and beautiful because of the person that they are.

4. Panhandling - I admit I regularly give money to beggars, if they seem truly in need. You just don't know what they've been through. And I always look them in the eye and touch their hand - it means more to them than the money.

5. Posture - mine is horrible! I catch myself hunching over all the time. My mother has spent a good deal of our lives jabbing me in the shoulders saying "Stand up straight!"

6. Pregnancy - have never had one, but am pretty sure I want to have one some day. I get double points on this one, because then I would be a Parent.

7. Pomeranian - my dog, Tigger, is half-Pomeranian. My cousin's new baby Rebel is also half-Pomeranian. I think she and I agree that brattiness is a trait of that breed!

8. Pressure - I tend to put a lot of it on myself, or none at all. I'm still looking for that happy balance. I've learned it's deadly in a relationship - you have to let people be who they are and go at their own pace.

9. Pandas, Penguins and Platypus (Platypi?) - triple bonus points! Animals with funny sounding names.

10. Please - a word I try to use often, and enjoy hearing other people use.

You know, that was kind of hard at first and then it became addictive!

Politicians are so stuffy

2006-05-25T09:54:00.000-05:00

http://www.wral.com/news/9271892/detail.html

They ought to think about how much revenue the state gets from this "fleeting sports event". Nobody has a sense of humour anymore!

Every Day is a Surprise

2006-05-24T10:41:00.000-05:00

Today will be a week that I've been on the Lamictal so tonight I move up to whole tablet. This is my life, people, the things I have to look forward to! Yesterday I felt terrific - happy, calm, focused and productive. Around 6:30 pm I crashed and got irritable and tired and overwhelmed and that feeling has stayed today. I have that feeling in my head - like it's indented or something and colored a dark grey. I'm struggling to not be cranky with people who are being perfectly kind. I only have a few things to do to get ready for my dad and niece's visit but it overwhelms me. I am bone tired despite a good night's sleep.

I had started another blog to document all this but I can't remember my sign in name or password. I don't know if it's a side effect or what but lately I can't remember shit. I was pretty ditzy before but now it's bad. Like, "Oh, I forgot I put something in the oven to cook" bad. Or "have I put on my makeup?" bad.

But hey, who needs short-term memory? As long as you can remember where you live, your PIN number and the name of the person you're kissing, what else do you need?

Not that I have anybody to kiss, but it was a good example... so you see, people, when you have all these mental illnesses, you never know what each day will bring.

Thank God for my wonderful friends, good music, and the internet!

Disorderly Conduct

2006-05-18T08:01:00.000-05:00

(I'm sorry if all the articles links have been terribly annoying. Here's a real post to show my love)

I finally made it to the psychiatrist who turned out to be a very sweet older Indian lady. I had filled out a battery of questionnaires and then we talked and she honed right in on how I was feeling and what I was going through and most importantly, that it was getting worse with age.

In the end, she diagnosed me with what I was expecting: Bipolar Disorder (aka Manic Depression) II. The II means that I am not manic enough to be true Bipolar - I don't get those huge highs of mania where one might go out and buy, say, a yacht or adopt a lot of overseas orphans. But my moods do fluctuate in the pattern, more on the depressive side. I also have a panic disorder which I knew, and agoraphobia.

As much as I hated to hear that I'm Bipolar Girl, at least now I know what it is and we can find a good source of treatment so that it is all prevented and I can be my happy self. Because I AM a happy, upbeat, optimistic person.

So I'm easing off the Wellbutrin XL (I kind of hate to let it go) while I ease onto Lamictal very slowly. I'm also taking the lowest dose possible of Xanax to prevent the panic attacks and help me to adjust to the new medication. She warned me that this is not her standard procedure but that she felt it was what I needed. I am totally agreeing - I feel a bit uh - lethargic, I guess, but I'm still getting up and going to work, getting things done, and I prefer the lethargy to clenching my head in my hands trying not to scream.

So, we'll see!

Did He Pour Them Down Her Throat, Too?

2006-05-16T12:09:00.000-05:00

http://www.wral.com/news/9224405/detail.html

At what point does one not have to accept responsibility for themselves?

Rock You Like a Hurricane

2006-05-15T13:10:00.000-05:00

Our NHL team clinched their spot in the Eastern Conference finals last night! I wish they had won Saturday - they would've been the first team in NHL history to sweep the NJ Devils in a playoff series.

Oh well.

I have to say that I support these guys not only because I've come to love hockey, but because they are a bunch of classy acts. During the blackout last year, they offered to play for less money just so they could play. They support their community and their fans and you never hear bad stories about them in the press. They play as a team, not any of them acting as divas or solo acts even if they have the right to. Their captain, Rod Brind'Amour, is being hailed as the best team captain in the league.

So, good luck to the Canes - even if I can't afford tickets to your games, I'm behind you all the way!

http://www.carolinahurricanes.com/images/flash_gallery_RD25/index_NJD5.html

(look at the third or fourth from the end with the sign about "Who's Your Daddy, New Jersey?"

It's wrong to laugh at this kind of thing, and I know that

2006-05-15T11:52:00.000-05:00

I can't help but snicker at it, though.

http://www.wral.com/apncnews/9217202/detail.html

Argh argh argh

2006-05-11T12:01:00.000-05:00

I waited to hear from the first psychiatric office.

Never got a call back.

Called a second one.

After a few days, scored an appointment for today at 2.

Left work early yesterday due to massive anxiety attack. Spent rest of day, and evening, sedated.

Just got a call from the doctor's office asking why I didn't come to my appointment today at 11. I told her my appointment was at 2 - I had put it on my Outlook calendar when we spoke. She admitted it was possibly her fault. She said she'd see what the doctor had and call me back.

"Can you come right now?"

Well, no. I'm covering the front while everyone else is having a hurried lunch so I can make it there by 2.

So now my appointment is Tuesday morning.

That's fine... I'll just sit here and try not to kill myself or anybody else till then.

Um..

2006-05-10T09:45:00.000-05:00

Why is there a huge blank space on my blog page?

Oh, Great!

2006-05-10T08:22:00.000-05:00

http://www.cnn.com/2006/SHOWBIZ/Music/05/09/britney.pregnant.again.ap/index.html

I'm sure it will save their crumbling marriage.

I heart my coworkers

2006-05-09T14:23:00.000-05:00

One of the things I love best about my job (besides high-speed internet) is my coworkers. We really are like a family.

A very dysfunctional family with a lot of secrets, but a family nonetheless. They keep me laughing and keep me going. Today I love them for special reasons, all of which have to do with my own instant gratification.

1. Free brand-new Gap Overalls that fit me perfectly. All because they don't fit a coworker's daughter. Even still had the tags on them!

2. Bojangle's Bo-berry biscuits for another coworker's birthday. These are from a local fried chicken chain. Warm biscuits baked with blueberries and soaked in icing.

3. Shoulder rubs.

I guess that's about it for now but aren't those great reasons to love them?

Doing my own part.. I brought the birthday girl some really pretty flowers from my yard. Two purple iris and something I can't quite identify, but it's beautiful.

Warning

2006-05-08T15:45:00.000-05:00

If that damn psychiatrist's office doesn't call me back ASAP I am not responsible for anything that happens. I'm not sure how to stress "I need refills and help with anxiety" enough.

I mean seriously! What the fuck??

The Final Look Back

2006-05-05T16:13:00.000-05:00

I am hopelessly sad and lonely and therefore I am going to inflict that on the general public in the hopes it will make me feel better, because dammit, I feel like shit right now.

I just got back from the burial of a former mayor of ours. He was quite old, and sick - but he was adorable and we are all sad.

But what broke my heart was seeing his wife. She just looked so little, and alone. Bewildered. She kept nodding her head, being strong, you have to get thru these things. But I kept thinking about how she must be thinking about so much that happened in their 52 years together. How she would now have to sleep at night without him. Things like that. Then as the family filed by, she turned around, almost wildly, to look at that wooden box. She clutched his flag to her chest and gave a pleading look.. please don't make me leave you here...

And for the life of me, I don't know if I desperately want that or not. I'm going to say that I do. I do want that.

What about you? The person you are with... would you look helplessly at their casket or urn and wonder just how you could go on?

Think about it. And pray that I find my true love out there, the one made for me, the one who will love me for 52 years and then tell the preacher that he doesn't want to leave me behind, but he knows I am in God's hands and so he will.

Jesus fucking Christ.

Waste Not, Want Not

2006-05-05T12:33:00.000-05:00

I'm still deciding how I feel about this:

http://www.wral.com/foodnews/9165824/detail.html

I think they should have at least warned or asked them before kicking them out - it IS a buffet.

Cinco de Mayo!

2006-05-05T07:57:00.000-05:00

Let's take a few minutes to just tie up some loose ends.

I found the dead bird husband last night., or rather, Tigger did. Sonofamotherfuckingbitch. Killed two birds with no stone.
(And no, I don't have a hole in my red sweater LL, but that was funny)

I recently set up a myspace site, and it's odd - I felt like I was cheating on all of you. I still feel that way, like I have to sneak to each of the sites to get my total fulfillment. Because on here, I get intelligence, humour, support, understanding, and a glimpse into some great people's lives. I also know how to operate it a little better than myspace. On the other one I get a bit of wildness, some crude humour and appeal to my ditzy side. Coming to blogger is like walking into the home of your oldest, most favorite lover.. warm and enveloping and a higher level of existence.

Today I have to go to a funeral for our former mayor and then it's Girls' Night Out.

Also, a minor feud that had been going on in my life was resolved last night - and it's a relief. It is a fantastic example of how differently men and women perceive things, and how CLEAR communication is crucial in any type of relationship, friendship or otherwise. I didn't realize how much anxiety and bad energy I was carrying from that animosity, so I'm very happy it's gone.

That's about it for now - I'll write about my new pimp shoes later.

Mantra

2006-05-04T14:55:00.000-05:00

Don't obsess.

Don't obsess.

Don't OBSESS!!

Bird Murderer

2006-05-04T07:21:00.000-05:00

I caused a bird's death last night.

Here's what happened: it was already bedtime so I took Tigger outside to go one more time. While he was faffing about the yard I decided to water my petunias that are in hanging baskets and are clinging desperately to life. I don't know why they are so dried up and dying. Anyway. I knew that one of them had a bird nest in it and the last time I looked it was full of little baby bird eggs. I peeped into the basket to see if they were still in there and thought I saw an actual bird but I wasn't sure. I reached up to get the basket and carefully bring it down and about that time the bird flies out and scared the shit out of me.

I don't know if she was a baby bird - all the eggs were gone - or the mother bird. I'm not exactly a member of the Audubon Society. But for some reason she couldn't fly well, or in her panic she banged into a few things. Whatever the reason, she ended up face down on my deck.

She was so little and soft. I managed to get her on her side and she just lay there, opening and closing her beak and I SWEAR she was saying "help, help". Or some last words to her bird husband and children. That's all I could think about, who is she thinking about, what is she saying to them? I thought maybe she was in shock and if I got her back in the nest she'd be ok. So I picked her up carefully and put her in the basket.

And then she died.

So, at ten o'clock last night I was standing barefoot on my deck weeping over a little brown bird. Of course I had to bury her so I found a little spot under some trees and gave her a proper burial, and I'm sure all her bird friends and family were watching from the trees so I hope they at least appreciate that I gave them a grave to go visit, after killing her and all. It was the least I could do, seeing as I ripped her away from them and all that.

If you're not already raising an eyebrow at how my mind works, try this on for size: while I was digging the hole, I thought "Sometimes I really fucking hate myself." Then when I had finished I leaned on the shovel and looked up at the stars and thought "When I do have kids, maybe I'll be a good parent after all - if I'm the kind of person who will dig a little bird grave at 10:00 at night."

I looked at the nest again when I was done, and saw it was built with red strings entertwined with all the twigs and straw. Where do they find red string?

Monday

2006-05-01T08:02:00.000-05:00

Thank you all for your support of my love of flip-flops. I tried to put forth a little effort today, though, and upgraded to my cherry-print Dr. Scholl's. However, Rack Room Shoes is having a huge clearance sale and I will probably hit that up at lunchtime. I actually DO need some cute summer shoes.

This morning I ate a healthy breakfast (cantaloupe, 2 pieces bacon and chocolate soy milk); wore nice, wrinkle-free clothes; played with the dog; packed a healthy lunch; and made my bed, then got to work 30 minutes early.

I may have already used up my productivity this week....

Fashion Police

2006-04-28T07:51:00.000-05:00

I hate it when I'm wearing flip flops and someone says "Do you have some shoes to put on/take with you/at work?"

Aren't flip flops shoes??

How Easter Really Affects Us

2006-04-27T13:59:00.000-05:00

Well, the Cadbury Mini-Eggs are finally all gone and I don't know if that makes me happy or sad. I found those to be almost as effective as my anti-depressant, but they are also making my pants tight.

But never fear, it's not like there's a shortage of food around here. Today I woke up with a craving for the frozen Swann's caramel pecan rolls that Debbie brought a box of in a while back. They are rolls, sitting on top of a bed of caramel and pecans in a neat little cardboard boat. You take the plastic off, microwave for a minute then dump it out on a plate. The result is a warm roll dripping in melted caramel sauce and pecans and ohmylord it is so fucking good. I am working on my second one. It makes my head happy, but the memory of being able to zip up a size 8 pair of pants at Old Navy is fading fast, I'm afraid.

In other news, I got a myspace site due to peer pressure. I've met a few nice people but I still think they should call it freakspace.

I mean seriously. I've gotten some freaky messages. I just hit "delete" or "deny" with no bad feelings whatsoever.

It's Administrative Professionals Day!

2006-04-26T10:39:00.000-05:00

Happy overworked, underpaid, underappreciated, constantly disrespected, please save-my-ass at the last minute, oops we forgot to include you in the celebratory lunch, we need your office for someone else can you make a file for this Day!

I neeeeed a digital camera

2006-04-26T10:38:00.000-05:00

I think that I would blog ever so much more often if I had a digital camera. Because then I could take pictures of my house projects, my gardening stuff, me... and the entries would be a lot more interesting.

Like today, for instance. This shirt, in my opinion, makes my boobs look fantastic. And i can't share it with all of you!

Afternoon Nappy Time

2006-04-25T13:41:00.000-05:00

WARNING!
Pictures may cause extreme drowsiness....

Urges to get a puppy....

and an increase in your "awwww" levels!

Why?

2006-04-25T10:13:00.000-05:00

Why must every office around this place have a big candy jar full of candy??

Just Put One Foot In Front of the Other

2006-04-25T07:53:00.000-05:00

Last night I actually went for a walk! This was inspired by several things. First, my rapidly expanding stomach which had actually shrunk somewhat. I refuse to let it get big like it was and I still had some slimming down to do, anyway!! Second was my new running shorts from Old Navy. They are made from some kind of awesome silky material that doesn't ride up between your thighs while you're moving around and I love them. Third is that it was really nice outside. Fourth is that my anxiety levels have gone through the roof and I've got to do anything I can to take that edge off. My mood is good and I'm happy, pretty much - just that stupid disorder.

I was gone all last week to visit the family which was great, y'all know I love being back in the South with them and I've decided this summer will be the summer to move.

Walking was a bit treacherous - the route I decided to take near my house turned out to be a busier highway than I expected but it was all right. I hate seeing all the trash by the road - I'm always telling myself I'm going to go out one Saturday and pick it all up but I never do.

It reminded me of walking with my cousins down my grandmother's driveway on summer evenings. Now, Grandma's driveway was this very long, winding red dirt gravel road with some really good hills. I'm sure it's not as long as it seemed when I was a kid, but when I was little it seemed like it was 3 miles long! It's probably more like a quarter mile. I don't know if we walked because we liked it, or because our mothers were walking, or because it was a way to stay outside as long as possible before we were piled in the bathtub 2 at a time for baths. But I sure wish I had them around to walk with me in the evenings now. We are, collectively, in North Carolina, Washington State, Wisconsin and Colorado. One still lives there at my grandmother's but that is just too much to blog about. Maybe some night when I'm drunk.

Anyway, I am not sore from walking and it felt good to go out and do it. I can't give up good food so I'm just going to have to exercise more!

Things I never thought I would be saying already by age 28 but I am

2006-04-07T15:06:00.000-05:00

Geez, my back hurts.
I'm so sore from gardening.
Here, I have to move out of this position.. my knees are killing me.
We're not going out till 10?? But that's so LATE!
Damn teenagers.
Anything about the weather
I'm too old to wear that.
That's where the young people go to party.
I'm sorry.. 26 is just too young for me.
I'm so glad it's Friday. I can't wait to just go home and put my pajamas on and do nothing.
It's a good recipe and it's not very fattening.
I miss my mommy
I miss my daddy
I'm just too tired to read. I'm going to go to sleep.
I'd love to go shopping, but I'd better get this credit card paid off first.
You're 40? 40's not old at all. You're not too old for me.
The tanning bed is great but I know how bad it is for me.
No more wine, thanks.. it's a weeknight.

Yes, I'm still alive and somewhat sane

2006-04-07T15:03:00.000-05:00

I WANT to blog. I really, really do. I don't know what is blocking me. I really, really don't. Except that of recent, I want to talk about some pretty deep private stuff. And too many people who just know the fluffy me read this and dammit, I don't know why.. I just don't feel like I can talk openly sometimes.

But. Things are pretty good. It's spring so the weather's wacky but I can deal. I bought some nice new plants for my yard....

ok, see how boring this is? I'm boring myself! Let me start over and try again.

Destined to Rot in Admin Assistant Hell

2006-03-14T09:00:00.000-05:00

I just deleted some voice mails without listening to them.

They were old.

But still.

Goodbye

2006-03-10T11:19:00.000-05:00

On Tuesday February 21st I left work at 3 pm so I could go to the walk-in clinic near my house and get on antibiotics for whatever I had. After I dropped off the prescription, I drove home and thought I'd sit outside for awhile and get some fresh air, since it was so nice outside. It was a little before five pm. As I got to my house I could see that a small animal had been run over right in front of it. My heart started racing and I started saying "Oh God no, please, no, no, no."

The rescue that I got my cat from (originally as a foster) does not believe in cats being let outside. But I have over an acre of land, and Carlos never went to the road. He was scared of cars and wouldn't even go up to the mailbox. He loved to play in the backyard though, and he was so much happier when he got to go out some. When I left that morning, he was sitting on the railing of the deck, twitching his tail.

I pulled into the driveway and got out of the car, already crying, and ran to the road. He had been hit so badly that I almost wasn't sure it was him. But I could tell it was his fluffy tail, and his soft foot. I kept thinking he must not have been there long - if I'd gotten home earlier, maybe it wouldn't have happened. There were some people on their drive home that day who had to witness a fully grown woman crouched by the road with her head in her hands, sobbing.

Oh god. This is why I've put off writing this, because it still makes me cry. *deep breath*

I went back to my car and got my cell phone and called M and left him a message which he probably couldn't understand since I was crying so hard. I took a sheet and went and wrapped the cat in it and brought him back to the house. For awhile I just sat and held the bundle, and stroked his foot that was sticking out. I kept hoping it wasn't him, that he'd come running up at any minute and we'd have a good laugh at me holding this strange cat. I talked to M and he agreed to come over and help me. Finally, I couldn't do nothing anymore so I picked out a spot and started digging the grave. I picked a spot between two old logs next to the creek where he liked to play. By now it was twilight and the wind was getting colder. I tried to keep shoveling, but when I looked down into that cold, dark dirt I would drop to the ground, doubled over in pain at the thought of having to put my fluffy baby in there. He likes warmth, he likes to be in the sun. I tried to keep working. I could see the dark purple sky through the trees, since I was facing the woods that were across the creek. I kept hearing leaves rustle behind me, and I would instantly think it was him, coming to help! What are you doing, Mommy? I've got to be a part of it! I kept asking please let that happen, please let me be wrong. But there was no miracle for me that day. Just that cold purple sky.

M finally arrived and brusquely helped finish the task and offered a few reality checks. I know he meant well but I didn't need those at that time. I needed my cat. I felt riddled with guilt, thinking of the times I'd left the cat alone at home so I could go spend time with this person. I cried until I had no more tears left and took anything I could find that might help me sleep and then by the next morning there were plenty of tears left to cry. Between that and the strep, I spent three days in bed. M did his best on Wednesday - got me out of the house for a bit and took me to an early dinner at one of my favorite restaurants. But that night, I didn't want to go home and face not having my cat. Those were the hardest times - when I left the house and when I returned, because it was so obvious that he wasn't there anymore. I asked M if I could please stay there that night but he would not let me. I got extremely upset and that is when things began to go downhill but this post is not about him.

As each day went by, it got a little easier and I could talk about it without crying. I had to go through it all again when Tigger came back to stay with me. He and the kitty were best friends, and he looked and looked through the house for him. He looked up at me and asked "Where's the cat?" I tried my best to explain but - I mean.

I learned the real meaning of heartbreak when he got me to go outside with him so he could look for him. And then my dog, who rarely sits down and just sits, especially when he's outside, sat down on the bottom stair of the deck for nearly a half hour, watching and waiting for his cat-friend to come home. I guess he has finally accepted it but it is still wrenching to think about. And that is why I put off blogging about it, even though I wanted - needed to.

I still come home and think he might be there. I miss having him sleep on my head or sit on it and pull my hair. There's no one to bring up dead moles or squirrels. The other day I made myself clean out his litter box and pick up his toys and put them away so I wouldn't stumble over constant reminders. As if death isn't cruel enough, we are always left to deal with what they leave behind.

Goodbye, baby. Mommy loved, and still loves, you so much. You were the best. We miss you.

Big Fat Sob Story

2006-03-10T10:57:00.000-05:00

I know, I know. I've been in hiding, and I'm sorry. Part of me has wanted so badly to blog, the other part of me said don't go spill your life onto the internet until you're back in control. I'm learning to sleep on things, to give myself some time before I blow off the handle and get hysterical. It's an everyday process. So here we go, and one thing that happened will get its own entry. I'm just going to say now that if you're pregnant, or just had a baby, or are emotional in any way you might not want to read it. So there's my disclaimer.

About two weeks ago I got sick and it turned out to be strep in my nose. So I missed four days of work. The day I went to the doctor, I came home and found that my cat Carlos (of the dead squirrel fame) had gotten run over. (that will get its own entry) I was depressed to the point of being crippled by grief and therefore irrational. Apparently my behavior was just a little too much for the seemingly sweet and genuine guy I'd been seeing and he became first distant and not keen on seeing me, then just didn't call for a few days. We'd had a near breakup a couple of weeks before this but he saved himself just in time and things were going really well, until this happened. He finally got the balls to meet me for lunch so we could officially end things and he cited several weak excuses which I politely and calmly did not let him get away with. We parted, amicably I thought. I won't go into details but there's been some shit to deal with from that over the past couple of days. Add this to work, keeping up with my house, etc. - I've been a bit volatile.

I just haven't felt like writing. I'm doing pretty well, to tell the truth. I'm cheerful and functioning thanks to the aforementioned happy pills and I have so many wonderful friends and coworkers who support me in my everyday dramas.

The worst part about the breakup with this guy was this: he was allergic to cats so he couldn't come hang out at my house for more than an hour or two. I was so devastated when I lost the kitty that even the thought that he could come over now didn't give me any comfort, but it was still a point to be made. Now, I don't have my kitty or him. The most bitter of ironies.

I want the cat back a whole lot more than I want him back.

So now, I'm just trying to focus on being in more control of my everyday life and being myself and making some hard decisions. So be patient, dear readers - like Gwen sings, I'm just a girl and sometimes this girl gets handed a bit more than she can deal with at times and it has been that way recently. I know there are people out there who are dealing with much worse scenarios, which is why I don't like to whine. But I wanted to explain the hiatus.

I love you all.

P.S. I know I'm better off - he wasn't strong enough for me!

Excuses

2006-02-17T13:30:00.000-05:00

Today's blog entry brought to you by the makers of Wellbutrin XL and Zoloft; by the number 9; and by the letter E.

I haven't blogged in forever. There are several reasons, but I guess all those can be summed up by saying it just hasn't interested me lately. I'm still reading blogs on a daily basis and enjoying them, but I just haven't felt like writing on mine. Everytime I think I have something, by the time I get to a computer I've lost interest. I don't really feel like I can talk openly because so many people know about my blog and they may be hurt by something I write. Or other days, it's that I'm just griping and I come across as being so negative. And lastly, my depression and anxiety came back with a vengeance a few weeks ago, and just existing and getting through a regular day exhausted me. It's hard work keeping your shit together. So I went back on the medicines that have worked for me in the past and I won't go off of them again. I'm having a bit more trouble with side effects than I did before, but I know they will go away. I can deal with yawning and dry mouth and jitters alternating with fatigue better than the emotional and physical roller coaster. I already feel more focused and bright and efficient and I'm certainly nicer to people than I have been. So, I know I don't have much of an audience but for those who have kindly checked back regularly, here's a new entry. And I will try my best to post some more soon.

Toe Tagged

2006-01-30T17:58:00.000-05:00

I've been tagged! Here's more useless information about moi:

4 jobs I've had in my life:
Short-order cook (loved it)
Cashier
Personal caregiver
Municipal service

4 movies I could watch over and over:
Legally Blonde
Hope Floats
Practical Magic
Sweet Home Alabama

4 TV shows I love to watch:
Law & Order
24
Simpsons (the older ones)
Gilmore Girls

4 places where I have lived:
Vardaman, MS
Starkville, MS
Altamonte Springs, FL
Durham, NC

4 places I've been to on vacation:
Volunteer Gap, VA
Biloxi, MS
Gatlinburg, TN
Calabash Beach, NC

4 places I'd rather be:
In bed
My grandmother's house (circa 1987)
At the beach
At the mountains

4 of my favorite foods:
Pizza
Pasta
Home cookin'
Dessert

4 websites I visit daily:
Belle of Madison
Dooce
Bad News Blonde
CNN

4 people to pass the baton to:
Eh, I'll give 'em a break : )

Tigger's First HNT, or, We're hanging on by an eyelash

2006-01-26T08:47:00.000-05:00

I haven't done Half-Nekkid Thursday in a while, I hope this counts. I like this picture because 1) my dog is in it and 2) it shows my freckles and my eyelashes look really long and thick. I've always gotten compliments on them and when I wear mascara I get "Are you wearing false eyelashes?"

Um, yeah. I have a hard time making myself keep my eyebrows plucked (not too much of a problem, since I pull them out, but that's for another entry) or keeping my legs silky smooth. Like I have the tendency or patience to wear false eyelashes.

That's what you get for HNT, eyelashes.

Sexy.

Happy HNT!

Everybody's Got to Be Good at Something!

2006-01-24T08:56:00.000-05:00

And I happen to be GREAT at procrastination. I know it's a bad habit. Every now and then I go through phases where I am immediately productive and get things done and yes, it feels great. But that is just not me. But really, I don't think I'm too horrible. In fact, I feel like bragging!

I only misplaced/shoved aside one bill this month, resulting in the payment being late. Everything else - ON TIME!

I haven't been overdrawn in months, and I even have a whopping $100 in savings.

I've found, and applied for, new jobs that I would enjoy (thanks, Janine, for pointing that one out! She's my best cheerleader/co-conspirator in excuse-making)

All the rooms in my house are clean except for two (and the basement).

I have been on time for work two days in a row (early yesterday!)

So, just because I only blog sporadically and it took me almost two years to get my name changed back and another year to go get it changed on my license, doesn't mean you can look down your nose at me!

Finally moving on

2006-01-18T16:34:00.000-05:00

I just got back from turning in an application for a different job. I'd really like to have it - the funny thing is, its with a neighboring municipality - the "enemy" of the one I work for now. People are leaving in droves here, and I wonder how long it will take someone to notice. But what do you expect, when most of your department heads are incompetent dickheads and everyone's run into the ground? The good pay and benefits has kept most of us here but it's no longer enough. Most of us would rather tighten our belts and have our lives back. So I'll keep you posted on that.. I've found several others to apply to, and Ken made me a kick-ass cover letter to use that really does get attention.

In other news, I've been asked a lot recently how I've lost so much weight. I don't really have an answer, since I haven't been doing much to make that happen. Maybe my metabolism finally just sped up. Maybe it's burning a lot of calories keeping myself from saying "Fuck you" all day at work.

So, at least you are spared me bitchin' bout the job for awhile. I wish I could tell some stories right now that are so miserable and stupid they are funny, but I just don't have the energy.

What was wrong

2006-01-13T08:44:00.000-05:00

This dish asked in a comment to my last post, "What's wrong?"

That was really sweet.

I'm feeling much better now. I totally forgot that I was/am going thru nicotine withdrawal which makes everything bad about six hundred thousand times worse. Also, work sucks a lot more than usual and I've realized I'm done here. I have no emotional connection to it, no feeling of obligation or desire to do more. And I'm not the only one who feels that way - this just isn't the place it used to be to work. And all I get is more hours, more responsibility, guilty feelings if I take a whole hour for lunch or leave at five or actually stay home on a holiday. (I know, I'm such a slacker loser!) I guess this is made a bit worse by the fact that I don't actually know what I'd like to be doing, other than getting paid to blog and IM and sit in my pajamas.

And, I was being paranoid and suspicious and obsessive over EVERYTHING the guy I've been seeing would do or say. Then I finally realized that the man has a solid core of decency and even though he can be a cocky motherfucker at times, it amuses me when he is and the rest of the time he's gold.

Also, I haven't seen my dog in almost two weeks and I think my cat has feelings of abandonment and loneliness since I am never home. Otherwise, why would he sit on the pillow last night and claw my head? It's all my fault.

So all this stuff added together was just really getting to me a little. I wasn't sleeping well, had heartburn, stood in front of a microwave and thought of putting a foil-wrapped sweet potato into it and standing with my forehead pressed to the closed door and wait for the shrapnel to solve all my problems! I know this is not a smart option. Addictive substances are much better tools for dealing with problems.

Anyway, I'm feeling better, and it's the weekend (almost)! I just have to get through my six-months-evaluation without asking my boss, really, who gives a fuck? and then I'm home free.

Could be a disorder

2006-01-11T13:11:00.000-05:00

I just seem to not want to do anything other than sit here and say FUCK over and over again.

Nothing seems right.

Going on Tour!

2006-01-09T12:09:00.000-05:00

My favorite blonde and I are in the preliminary stages of putting together our Bad-Ass Babes tour (see comments in last post). We'll be coming to your favorite dinner theatre, sex shop and local universities - make sure you get your tickets now!

If you're a Bad-Ass Babe and wish to join the tour, please sign up in the comments box below.

I wish I had a camera because I have on my new fishnet stocking "socks". They were on clearance at Target and look so spiffy with my black ankle-strap high heels. Go me.

Special thanks to my favorite brunette for getting my picture up on my profile. Now I just have to get all my links up....

Still smoke-free!

2006-01-06T12:13:00.000-05:00

Just saw the comments on a previous post and its been three weeks and I'm still smoke-free!

Aughra, you asking if my hiatus was over lifted my heart. To have a woman as smart, funny and spunky as you - and living her life as she wants - reading my blog and wanting me back is just what I needed. If you ever come to North Carolina, you are staying with me!

Is the Brick Wall Real or Fake? Run into it fast and find out

2006-01-06T12:05:00.000-05:00

Obviously, I haven't been blogging.

I know I don't have that much of an audience so i guess I haven't been too worried. For awhile I didn't feel comfortable accessing it at work nor did I have the time. Today I really just don't give a fuck. I know that the time has come to quit dicking around and get my life together or at least a foot on the right path. Problem is what is the right path? What do I want to do? What's the right thing to do?

I used to trust my instincts and go out on a limb. Now, I seem to hedge my bets and second guess myself. I'm scared. Of going broke, losing my house. Trailing back to Mississippi pathetic and ripped up instead of triumphant. Why am I staying where I'm not happy? That applies to so many things in my life right now.

I don't know what I'm good at or what I'm meant to do or anything that I love, love LOVE to do so much other than read. I didn't finish college. My stupid job requires so much brainpower and evenings that I don't think I could handle night school even if I could afford it. I find myself drinking more, caring less and trying even less. Why do I keep jumping happily into that wall, instead of going around it, over it or even digging a tunnel underneath it?

I hate writing crap like this. This is not me. I am a happy, free-spirited person. I just need to find a way to support myself and be proud of who I am while remaining true to that person.

Hiatus

2005-12-19T15:47:00.000-05:00

I haven't blogged in a long time. I just haven't had the time at work and I'm kind of scared to do it from here, anyway. So, what to tell?

I've been smoke-free for five days now and still going great! It feels good not to smell like an ashtray, or stand outside shivering in the cold rain.

I actually have some Christmas shopping finished! I'll have to do the rest after I get paid again, on Friday.

I got a new car - a 1999 Volvo. I will try to post pictures soon.

The man came back from military school and we had a very, very nice reunion and have been keeping company ever since.

More to come...

And that would be Bad Thing #3

2005-12-06T15:02:00.000-05:00

$1700 worth of car repairs.

So, I'll be looking for something else.

Please enter your experiences/opinions/solicited advice below.

Just Keep It Coming

2005-12-05T11:58:00.000-05:00

Why, yes, I'd LOVE to work on the Saturday before Christmas, the day before my birthday, one of the few days I'll have to actually see the new man in my life after he gets back from camp and before I leave for Mississippi.

I will be using the word "Fuck" a lot today, in addition to consuming mass quantities of calming foods. I would eat my keyboard right now if it had garlic mashed potatoes on it.

Score One for Di

2005-12-05T09:24:00.000-05:00

And you thought you had problems with YOUR mother-in-law.

Celine and the Dead Squirrel Weekend

2005-12-05T08:41:00.000-05:00

Damn, I just love Mondays. Let's start off with the fact that I wake up at 5 am and can't go back to sleep and my ear hurts and my stomach isn't feeling well. Its pitch black and raining like Noah never dreamed and I have to work until at least 9 pm tonight.

Then, Tigger goes outside and stays there and I should've gone out to get him because it's raining and he never goes out in the rain, at least not for very long. I should've KNOWN that he was out there with that dead squirrel. See, the cat brought me a dead squirrel Saturday night, I suppose in protest of the fact that he hadn't been able to eat since that morning, poor abused cat, as we had run out of cat food and I hadn't been to the store yet. Since it was ten at night and raining, I just got the shovel and, while making lots of girly ew, gross, yuck, you stupid fucking cat noises, took the squirrel to the creek. I did at least apologize to the squirrel for not giving it a proper Christian burial.

So apparently this morning Tigger has squirrel for breakfast. Because, on the way to work, he gets in the backseat and Chad, my carpool buddy says "Dude, your dog just threw up all OVER your purse."

I thought he was just being an ass. "No, he didn't. Stop that."

"DUDE! He threw UP, and it's... Oh, my God! It's SO gross!"

It was not just gross. It was the grossest thing I've ever seen in my life.

Until five seconds later, when he (Tigger, not Chad) did what dogs do and started to eat the throw up.

Well by then we were ALL ready to throw up. What a shitty, shitty way to start the day! Well, Tigger felt awful and came and sat on my lap (since Chad wouldn't let him on his, and kept him at bay by holding up the dog's kittycat beach towel like a modesty curtain) and looked sad and I told him it was ok, that you can't help it when you have throw up but WHY did you have to eat the squirrel!

So we get to Chad's workplace and he runs in and gets paper towels and a trash bag for me. I have a trash bag, too, so I use it as a makeshift glove and manage to get it cleaned up. I only threw up once.

Tigger just sat on the front seat with his head bowed down, looking forlorn.

I hate it when I'm torn between hugging my dog and screaming at him.

And now, I'm freezing because squirrel barf got on my sweaters in the backseat so I don't have any extra layers to put on. To top it all off, when I started writing this entry, Celine Dion was *singing* O Holy Night and now Gloria Estefan is singing Christmas Through Your Eyes or some shit like that.

Why isn't anybody playing the Grinch song??

Happy Friday Feelings

2005-12-02T12:00:00.000-05:00

I'm about as loveable as a bag of weasels right now.

rambling

2005-11-29T16:11:00.000-05:00

rain, rain, rain. I know we've been in a severe drought - not just a drought mind you but a severe drought - and that we need it. But its just icky outside. I wouldn't mind at all, if I was home wearing my pajama pants, curled under a blanket snoozing or reading. But I'm here at work next to a drafty glass wall, and its dark and windy and I'm sleepy. Coffee isn't helping.

I lurve coffee. I want to go home.

Thanks Be Given

2005-11-23T10:56:00.000-05:00

Well, it really is here... I'm happy to say that as I get older and more relaxed, I give thanks on more days than not. Still, I'm glad that we have a day that reminds us to do just that. Even though we tend to hurry and hassle and overload ourselves and family freaks us out, there is still that moment when you stop and sit down, and truly, gratitude fills us from top to bottom.

I am taking my mother and the one niece out of three who opted to come along here. I think it will be a relaxing treat for all of us and fun for Merrie Kate, who's 12. I was originally thinking "Ok, what's the easiest thing to do..." but then I stopped and thought. She's 12 and coming here for Thanksgiving, instead of spending it with her parents. What would make it special, and fun, and something she'll always remember?

I am thankful for many things:

1. That we live under the love and guidance of a caring God who yearns for us to find happiness and grants forgiveness infinitely.

2. That I have so many loving, funny, unique and supportive people in my life - family, friends, coworkers. They are the strands that hold us up and keep us going.

3. For food to eat, a warm bed to sleep in, pets to love, a car to drive. Things get tight sometimes but when it comes down to it, I'm ridiculously wealthy.

4. That I've been given an out-of-nowhere chance at love with a kind, sexy man who has morals and ethics that just cannot be found today, and who cooks for me, keeps my wine glass filled and gives excellent massages.

5. Fall leaves, good books, new movies (Harry Potter IV!), gooey desserts, naps, wine, hugs, cuddling, roaring fires and coffee.

6. Blogging. No, seriously. It's a new dimension to my life that has given me a new way to think and remember things.

So much to list, so much I could say. Instead I'll say have a happy, calorie-filled, Half-Nekkid Thursday Thanksgiving day!

Maybe keep it fully clothed while deep-frying the turkey..

I Surrender

2005-11-22T14:03:00.000-05:00

I'm sitting here complacently listening to Christmas music. I admit it's rather soothing and uplifting. Like I said, I love the stuff... I just hate to rush the season.